Episode Twenty Two: Single People- The Alligator Suitcases

Ahoy Singletons! 

After a friend had shared this link Commentary on a Poor Taste Advertisement

 on facebook I felt it was time for me, in my bloggeriffic omniscient powers, to make a post about single life.  As an engaged woman I fear there is a possible rift between some of my single friends and I.  Let’s face it- do they really want to be annoyed with all the prattle about wedding planning?  I don’t want to become the equivalent of that one friend (almost everyone has one) who has recently had a baby and now only talks about parenting.  Most of us are inclined to do it when we have a major life event going on- forget that we are engaging in monologue instead of dialogue. 

So your married/engaged friend is blathering on about his/her oh so adorable love interest.  And, if the majority of your friends are paired off for better or for worse, you may feel a bit like that lone bag circling the luggage return.   

Borrowed from http://www.honeyhelpyourself.com/?paged=2 from an amazing Blog Author named Kriste, check out her site!

Love is a lot like the luggage carousel.  As people we need acceptance so greatly at times that we are essentially pieces of luggage waiting to be claimed.  (WARNING: EXTENDED METAPHOR!)

The obsession with being in a couple misses the mark entirely though.  I mean, who wants to be waiting around pointlessly with the sole objective to be claimed?  Sometimes the best thing to be is that audacious alligator-print suit-case circling the baggage claim.  Alligator suit-case knows what’s what- it’s not waiting for someone to claim it, oh no, it’s rocking the ride around the carousel.  Alligator suit-case is entirely too avant-garde to be “claimed”.  Alligator suit-case is fine as is; it is having fun mocking the luggage that is so generic that ten different travelers all try to claim it before realizing from the luggage tag that it’s not their bag. 

Couplehood is indeed wonderful, but not because romantic love is the great panacea.  People need relationships, as in connection.  But connection does not exist solely in romantic attachments.  We need parents, siblings, children, friends, co-workers, teachers, pupils, that customer service person we see frequently but don’t know the name of, etc.  Single people do not mysteriously lack a support network- they are not devoid of loved ones.  The secret to being single is having love in your life aplenty. 

Be the alligator suit-case, don’t lament being single.  Ride the luggage carousel of life and enjoy every moment of it, every friend, every face, and do not settle for the wrong person.  While sometimes the owners of generic suitcases grab the wrong luggage by mistake, the owner of the Alligator suitcase doesn’t grab the wrong case, and probably fancied that case for some reason.  The rest of us just purchased our luggage because “it’s luggage”, but the person who bought that alligator-skin suitcase was thinking “now that’s stylin’!” 

And you, beloved single friends, are completely styling. 

Episode Twenty One: The Great Divide

So for over three years now I've been working at this novel.  It's hardly a literary masterpiece- but it's something I've written and is near completion.  The problem is, when you're clacking away at MS Word on and off for three years you don't get a very good idea how long your novel is... until I found out from friends doing NaNoWriMo that a short novel is about 50,000 words... yeah... my novel has rather surpassed that.  My verbose nature strikes again!

As a new author I don't want to toss some 700 page monstrosity onto the laps of unsuspecting readers.  My book is already some unholy gathering of plots upon subplots and character count orgies worthy of Victor Hugo's signature writing style.  And for those who may misinterpret the last sentence, I mean to say that Victor Hugo (love the author, but...) was glutton for character creation.  I like elaborate tapestries of plot lines in my stories-the convoluted is something I am thoroughly inclined to write. 

So after all this time I'm beginning to think I should cleave the novel into two novels- go King Solomon on it (though technically Solomon never actually chopped any babies in two... despite the rampant violence which was characteristic of the Old Testament).  The major issue I have is that this book is intended to be part of a series, and it's not till the second book that things will get good--- which would become the third book of the series should my novel commit mitosis.  I have a hard time imagining readers will pick up the next book after enduring a rocky first book, let alone give the third book a chance when the first two were less than delightful.  The issue is that the next book I'm planning to write builds upon the foundation started in the current book (or books?).  Laying foundation is very difficult, but the payoff is vast.

I find that if I work the novel into two separate books that there are some pros and cons.

Cons:

-Lack of a good climatic finish midway through.  There is nothing so fascinating midway through the book that I would consider it an amazing finish.  Let's face it, even if most of a novel was sub par, if the end of the book was exciting and interesting, you'll remember the book as a good read.  Speaking of Victor Hugo...

-Various Story lines: Because the book follows four female leads (though there is a prominent main character), it's hard to find a stopping point that isn't -too- awkward for at least one of the characters

-Things come together in the second half of the book, it's untidy to have a book that essentially follows around four women who seemingly have no connection. 

Pros:

-I can avoid the entrance of several characters until book two.  I've added way too many characters for any poor reader to keep up.  Splitting the novel into two gives a stopping place before some of the characters enter, giving readers a second book to see new faces. 

-I can edit the first half quicker than I can edit the entire novel, this would push ahead any pitches to publishers.  With my student loans lurking so closely it wouldn't hurt to try to publish something in the near future and earn a few dollars on the side. 

Episode Twenty: And Thus, I am an Elder

My fiance has this friend who crashed at a friend's house for a "few days"... over 365 days to elaborate.  The guy barely kept contact with my fiance for the past two years, and when he was back in the town we were living in at the time threatened to start a fight with one of our acquaintances for a remark made about his girlfriend, and then knocked up said girlfriend.  Naturally girlfriend gave birth to baby, the duo broke up and the guy moved across the country at random. 

My fiance gets a message on Friday out of the blue that said friend was coming to town that night and needed transport and lodging.  Ah yes, scene has been set.  We told him no to Friday as I had to work and his ass would have been left cold at the train station.  Saturday however my fiance convinces me to house this guy with the explicit condition made clear to this guy that it is ONLY for one night. 

Yesterday morning I get off of work, I'm cranky, and I decide to hit the bed.  Hours later I awaken and my fiance tells me his friend left his stuff at our place, he'd be back to pick it up and then be gone.  As we're talking, I've just woken up mind you, he knocks on our door.  Then he asks us to stay the night.  This is when yours truly gets a little cheesed off. 

If you're thinking I kicked this person out of our apartment screaming and cussing, think worse.  No, dear readers.  I gave him "the talk".  That's right.  Lurking from the darkest place in my black, black heart, I retrieve--- the responsibility speech. 

I ask the lad to sit.  I take a seat on the floor across from him and lead in with "You're a father."  And thus I launch into the polite way of saying "You're a couch surfing loser who has abandoned his kid" speech- all with pretty words mind you.  I mean my fiance and I can hardly afford to stock enough food in our home for ourselves, let alone some uninvited house guest.  I am not in the mood to have "one night" become "one more night" followed by 13 or more other "one more" nights. 

Yes, my friends, I have become a village elder.  The only way I could have been any more of a cranky old lady is if I told him to get off my yard. 

Forgive the foul language in the lyrics, but I do believe the following song fits my feelings:

Offspring's Why Don't You Get a Job?

In other news, customer feedback... it would be easier to respect if the customer could spell.  I realize words such as "Many" and "There" are sort of big and challenging, but I assure you, said words are not spelled "Menny" and "Thair".  Yes, someone wrote, "Thair are not menny choices."  Also it's not spelled "Choclet chip muffens". 

Episode Nineteen: The Haunting Implications of Romantic Comedies.

Today we revisit the world of movies and what they mean.  Today's episode also is the first to use images not 100% my own- so the sources via google image search were: http://jake-weird.blogspot.com, http://screenrant.com, http://www.best-horror-movies.com, and http://www.open2.net.  I believe the use of images edited for comedic effect is fair use, but if the owners of these images have any contention please email me.  And yes, I made the following horrendously bad ms paint comic ^_^ '

So, legalities done, let us continue to the world of movies.

Enter the Rom Coms.

7 Horrifying facts or Implications of the Romantic Comedy Universe.

7. Matthew McConaughey's Career has gone down a dark route:
Remember when McConaughey had roles in some of the most evocative movies such as Contact, A Time to Kill, and Amistad?  Then there was the Wedding Planner, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, Failure to Launch... and suddenly we get Tropic Thunder.  Yup.  Nothing wrong with earning a few easy dollars, none the less, we miss your big boy roles McConaughey.

6. TSA is (in this universe) Nonexistent:
Forget about the lax TSA depicted in Action Movies.  Chick flicks win the worst fictional depiction of the TSA.  In the RomCom universe you can bypass airport security without a boarding pass, identification, etc, all you have to do is explain that the man/woman you love is on that plane and you HAVE to get on.  Even more daring- you can board the friggin' plane without a ticket.  I'm pretty sure the sweet attendants at Southwest Air will have me hogtied before I get a toe on the plane in real life- provided I haven't been tackled by 12 TSA agents yet.  What "Love Actually" failed to mention is the awkward questioning session the adorable little boy had to endure after giving airport security the slip-- unless England is more mellow about these things than the US?

5. It's Ok to Go Astray if it's Really, Really Love:
Don't get me wrong, I do wish to see the true love prevail.  None the less, the RomCom universe makes emotional (and sometimes even physical) affairs seem so okay, so beautiful.  Maybe it's because in 90% of chick flicks the rival to love is a despicable and otherwise uncouth human being.  None the less, let's look at it this way.

-Only You: Main character is already engaged, runs off to Italy to pursue destiny, winds up sleeping with another man.

-Leap Year: Protagonist is off to Ireland to chase down her boyfriend (Let's call him Dr. Boring) who is on a business trip to try and propose to him.  While in Ireland she meets Hunky McGuide, and while no one can blame her for trading up- there is a kiss and a whole lot of feelings when she's still technically with Dr. Boring. 

-Lake House: (and I do love this movie sadly) Female lead makes out with the male lead when she is involved with someone else. 

-Enchanted: Both belong to someone else, fall in love, and (albeit with his girlfriend's consent/implied break up) kisses the female lead. 

Don't get me wrong, these are endearing movies with endearing couples.  However, in the real world most of us would prefer that if destiny and true love stepped in that our significant others would do us the courtesy of a break up before locking lips with someone else.

4. You Always Love the One You Hate the Most:

"Sometimes love right when you hating most." -Avenue Q.  The formula has been done to death in romcoms- two people who can't stand each other and have seemingly nothing in common wind up falling madly in love.  Think about it in real world terms.  Imagine someone you cannot stand, someone who irritates you- now imagine winding up in bed with that person.  Yup, creepy?  It is.  While opposites do attract, imagine spending every day with a person with whom you just -can't- agree on, well, anything.  A divorced friend will gladly explain it to you.

3. Sex = Love:

This ties in with number 4.  Usually when the bickering duo finally break the sexual tension and sleep together they magically wind up in love.  It's not hard to find a romantic movie out there where two characters with very little connection have sex and are suddenly soulmates- and we're not talking in a Jame's Cameron Avatar neurological-linking mating ritual kind of way.  If the real world were to abide by the laws of the Chick Flick Universe then anytime you follow your loins you will wake up the next morning madly in love.  Warning: if you find yourself in this universe it's best to avoid a Tequila Sunrise unless you wish the love of your life to be the guy who is living in his mom's basement chronically unemployed because steady work conflicts with his busy WoW raid schedule.

2. Always a Race to the Finish:

Now here at the Curve Zone we encourage our readers to always tell those they love that they love them... unless you're a creepster stalking a married person who has already made it clear that they are not interested- come on, give it up.  None the less, in the world of Romantic Comedies there are seldom buses about to explode if they go to slow, villains running off to potential escape, etc... therefore they have to muster up some reason that if the protagonist does not share their feelings in the last fifteen minutes then all is lost.  There's always a plane departing, a ship leaving, a marriage to the wrong person, you name it. 

Now in the real world if a person who had feelings for you waited until you were about to marry someone else, no matter how you feel about that person, you'd be miffed.  Even if for some crazy reason you're standing up at the altar about to marry McDoucher, though you don't like him, you'd still be annoyed about the timing.  Trust me, you're not getting the deposit back from the caterers, the reception hall, the dress shop, the cake shop, etc.  And can we say, Awkward?  Having someone proclaim their love to you is really a private occasion, not one to have standing at the terminal or in front of about fifty or more of your relatives/friends. 

1. RomComs Set up Unrealistic Expectations:

This goes without saying- but we'd like to elaborate on a less glaringly obvious point of the expectations.  What most people would probably think that women would be the only ones brain washed from these cutesy films.  Although it is a small segment of the population, there are men who watch romcoms whether of their own volition or because someone else wanted to.  The point is, there is a small segment of the male population that picks up these films and thinks this is what women want.  They think that by deliberately arguing with a girl they'd like to date that she'll magically become attracted to them, that if a woman winds up sleeping with them then a committed relationship will ensue, and they think that if you love a woman enough she will magically love you back.  And that, my friends, strikes terror into the core of my heart and makes me want to sleep with the lights on.