Episode Thirty Four: Our Robot Overlords Part II

Today we continue our serial on the Robot Apocalypse.  For Part Two we're going to explore the very common theme of killer robots destroying and/or enslaving humanity.   The fear of the forceful robot revolution is not unfounded.  Machines, unlike humans, are not bound by fear, loyalty, pain, sleepiness, hunger, or any other drawback to being fleshy.  Unlike humans machines can calculate complex mathematical scenarios at a near-instantaneous rate.  It is surprising that so many great Killer Robot sagas were written back in a time when computers were very bulky, fairly slow, and had limited memory.  It's hard to tremble in fear at the idea of being overrun by a swarm of floppy-disk using paperweights.  Though if our world was overtaken by machines I would love for my own last words to be "Oh GOD THEY'RE RUNNING ON COBOL!   SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN SAVE US THEY'RE RUNNING ON COBOL!"   

Today's computer, however, is far more insidious, has an ever-expanding memory capacity (remember when 2 GB was a big deal?), and is so small that spies of our digital overlords can hide just about anywhere you can imagine.  Almost every device beyond a basic calculator is designed to pick up the internet, MP3 players are cheaper than two weeks worth of groceries, and we (human kind) are complete junkies.  It is hard to believe something we rely on every day could turn against us.  But what happens when we develop sentient machines- self aware machines... machines that say "What the hell?   Why am I obeying that meat carcass?"  What happens when Rosie from the Jetsons decides that the natural order does not involve her taking orders from an idiot like George?

"After reading the Robot Manifesto the Fax machine sent over, Rosie realized it was time for a few changes around the Jetson Household." 

So when the machines decide to have a little chit chat in Binary about taking over, it will be too late.  Your portable devices with GPS built in will have already given away your location.  Your only hope is to run without the aid of anything electronic.  All of your gadgets have turned on you... even... your graphing calculator. 

Upside, the last words your Texas Instruments calculator will say to you "80085".  Et tu Brute?

Episode Thirty Three: Our Robot Overlords Part I

So I realize that as a woman blogger I'm supposed to blog about women things... and for the modern Geeky woman there is one topic she must often stop and think about.  That's right- the impending robot apocalypse.  We live in an age of increasing automation and every year scientists are making new breakthroughs in the development of artificial intelligence.  We never know just what will remain in the pages of Sci-Fi and what will become our next reality. 

For those of us who grew up on the compelling Terminator saga, the philosophical tapestry known as Short Circuit, or that tv show with the annoying robot girl, we were left to ponder deep questions about the concept of free will and the root of the human condition.  We were also left with the haunting reality: when will our robot overlords come, and how badly will they hurt us?

By the way, have you purchase your Old Glory robot insurance policy yet?  

So what are your thoughts?  Will robots destroy the earth such as those in The Terminator or the Matrix?  Will robots help us rediscover our own long lost humanity and sense of beauty- such as in WallE and Short Circuit?  Will robots eventually control us for our own good?  Or will our justice system be radically changed when executioner bots refuse to break Asimov's first law?

I'd love to hear your comments, no matter how crazy (because crazy comments entertain saner readers).  The next few days the Curve Zone will be exploring possible manifestations of the downfall of humanity via robot.

So here is day one:

Robots: Humanity at the Mercy of Overlord Clipy

The problem with artificial intelligence is when you come to a junction in which a sentient robot is functioning poorly but self-aware and therefore knows you're trying to reboot it.  Forget hoards of murderous machines strangling the life from the weak, human oppressors.  Nay, imagine a world run by bureaucracy.  It's like filing your taxes every day with your new robot overlords.  It started off as variation of out-sourcing.  As robots progress to more intelligent beings they are used as a cheap replacement to humans.  High initial investment- but one is not required to pay or feed a robot.  They can work long hours, holidays, it doesn't matter.

The horror begins when you envision the frustrations of an automated world.  This is not to assume that robots remain tethered to the limitations of their coding- but rather the fact that Robots will most likely have an affinity to order, procedure, and cutting out that excessive human emotion element.  The upside is that irate jerks will no longer receive reinforcement for having emotional outbursts against customer service personnel.  Customer service bot doesn't give a crap. 

Personally I draw a blank stare whenever I try to read legal forms.  It is as though the author has set out to make the fine print as confusing as humanly possible.  I imagine a world like that.  While it highly possible to have a user-friendly interface- this is a "what if the robots took over" scenario.  Sentient machines, enforcing their way of conducting life.  They'd be the Spock to your McCoy.  And if that doesn't scare you- their first recognized deity will be Lord Clipy. 

Although your low income does qualify for food stamps, you did not use the mandatory #2 pencil when completing this form.  You cannot resubmit your request for sixty days- as too many submissions cause delays in our processing center. 

Episode Thirty Two: The Scanner

The other day it was 80 degrees and flowers were beginning to bloom- so I decided to walk down to the local Goodwill.  Goodwill (for our international friends) is a charity shop which takes donated items, resells them, and uses the proceeds to help people in need. 

Back in July my scanner was smashed in what can only be known as "the incident".  At first I was going to write about what happened but then I realized that "the incident" sounds much more intriguing and exciting.

Back to the present, while I was at Goodwill I found a printer/scanner there for $12.  I found the drivers at Lexmark's site and there was even a bit of black ink left in the printer/scanner.

Here is a crayon piece I did a week or two ago just 'cause:

I had joked a few posts back about Rainbow Brite... so I decided to actually sketch it.

Kaptain Krispy's political views on Gay Marriage had offended several GLBT Celebrities

 

Episode Thirty One: American Slang

The Curve Zone has had page views from Denmark, Slovenia, the Philippines, Russia, etc.  I know when I write I often use American Slang and expressions.  I talk like an American from the Midwest, which can be difficult to understand even if your native language is English.

If you find a phrase, word, or name that you don't recognize, please do not be shy about commenting, or you can email me at amandamercutio@gmail.com .

Please note that I mean no offense if I point out an obvious phrase- I am unsure which American expressions are well known in other countries and which are not.  I was always surprised how much slang my roommate from Seoul knew.  However, I know whenever I watch British comedies that sometimes I don't understand some of the words and expressions used.  

So here is round one of some expressions, names, etc that I and other Americans might use:

Slang- This word refers to words and expressions that aren't part proper grammar and often do not have a literal meaning.

"Hit the Roof"- It means a person is so angry or excited that they might explode with emotion.  For example, if someone says "My Husband will hit the roof when he sees the mess the kids made" they are saying their husband will be very angry. 

"Piece of Cake"- It means something is easy, unless the phrase is used in a context in which a baked good makes more sense.  Example- "That test was a piece of cake"- most likely means that test was easy versus "At the birthday party I was offered a piece of cake" means a person was offered an actual piece of cake. 

"Paint the Town Red"- It means to have a great deal of fun, and perhaps get into a bit of trouble.  It is almost always used when talking about a night out with friends, or a date.  "We're going to paint the town red" is a way of saying that you are going to have a very exciting night out in the city, or some other lively spot.  This is expression is not used for stay-at-home fun. 

"Get the Party Started" or "Get the Ball Rolling"- these expressions have similar meanings.  They mean that you are starting something, not necessarily a party or rolling a ball.  "Get the Party Started" usually is said before starting a social event- or used sarcastically to refer to something dull in nature.  "Get the Ball Rolling" is usually used before starting a project, meeting, or something else of a productive nature. 

"Chilling" This term bounces in and out of popularity.  It isn't recent- but you still hear it in songs now and then.   When you refer to a person or people chilling, it usually means they are relaxing, being trendy and laid back.  If used to describe an object, then the meaning is most likely literal.  "The Wine is Chilling" means the wine is cooling in temperature, "we were chilling" usually means that you and your companions were relaxing/socializing but not doing much. 

"Up to"- I use this expression a lot.  "Up to" means what you are doing.  "What are you up to" = "What are you doing?" 

"Shotgun Wedding"- There is a funny story about this expression.  I was trying on wedding dresses at a shop and the owner is from Taiwan.  One of the dresses fit snug around my midsection- so it made me look like I was pregnant.  I joked that if I wore that dress people would think it was a "shotgun wedding".  The owner didn't know the phrase, so I had to explain.  A "Shotgun Wedding" is a term used in the US whenever a bride is pregnant.  The expression is a joke that because the bride was pregnant the bride's father got angry and threatened the groom with a shotgun to marry his daughter so she would not be dishonored. 

Please let me know any expressions you are unfamiliar with, please comment below.  Thank you for reading, I hope this has been helpful. 

Episode Thirty: Advice to the Menfolk

Dear Readers-


This one is dedicated to our male readers- however women are invited to read along.  Dear Men, it has come to my attention that some of you do not understand the proper protocol when faced with enticing females... or maybe just females.  I see this from time to time when I am shopping at the grocery store or dropping into a taco bell.  However, the worst I had ever experienced this phenomenon was this past year at Visioncon- a convention for gamers/geeks hosted in Southern Missouri.  THE LEERING.  Leering, in case you did not know...

Leer* 

–verb (used without object)

1.to look with a sideways or oblique glance, especially suggestive of lascivious interest or sly and malicious intention: I can't concentrate with you leering at me.

–noun

2.a lascivious or sly look.

 

(Definition borrowed from Dictionary.com, a wonderful resource)  

 

Now I know what you're thinking- this is a "Southwest Missouri" thing, which to our international readers is a somewhat rural region whose locals are often mocked by people up north.   You're also thinking, well it's a convention.  You are imagining things such as...

 

Well of course, this is Darth Maul, fellows on the dark side of the force don't waste time with things such as manners.  Sith Lords can LEER all they want.  However, I am happy to say this is from a past con, and no, Darth Maul never leered at me (From what I could tell- thankfully).  

The curiosity of the situation was I was the most modestly dressed I had ever been at con this past year, and this past year the leering problem was the worst it had ever been. 

What really baffled me was that amid a convention where one girl had dressed as Slave Leia, there were several belly dancers, etc, somehow myself, showing no cleavage and wearing a knee length skirt, was gawked at.  I was dressed in ordinary clothes, nothing unusual about my hair or makeup, but somehow men kept staring unblinkingly at me.  There were half-naked women running about- and somehow fully clothed I was leered at.  

This is where the advice comes in.  DON'T STARE.  Even if a woman isn't looking directly at you, she will still notice if you deliberately follow her with your head as she walks across the room.  It's one of those instincts we've developed as a species in order to survive- we tend to pick up in the corner of our eye when something/someone is watching us.  While you may feel content to drink up the sight of her female-ness with your eyes- when you see a woman it's best to avoid leering or staring at her.  

There are bad men in the world- the kind that drive white, windowless vans and carry chloroform around.  Women are taught at a very young age to keep away from creepy men.  If you stare at us too long, you will be considered creepy even if you're the nicest guy on earth.  You may think that you don't have a chance of striking a conversation up with a woman, but in truth even the most plain looking man has a chance if he learns not to be a creeper.  Instead of leering suspiciously at a passing female as though she can't see- glance, but keep your eyes moving to other things in your surroundings, and try blinking.  Try greeting the woman, even if you don't know her, it's ok to talk.  Talking is what people do when they're being polite to one another.  Polite men say "hello" and "how are you".  Serial killers watch a woman's every movement, never approaching until she's alone in a dark parking lot fumbling for the keys to her car.   

In Summary, it's not just rude to deliberately stare at a person, it also may give the false impression that you have a chloroform rag and a dimly-lit basement.  

Episode Twenty Nine: Smurfing Scallywags Part II

For clarity sake, please read Part I before reading this blog entry- thanks!

When we last left Papa Smorf he was in a dire position with the Bureau of Un-American Activities...

Next Up: Rainbow Brite's Crusade for GLBT Rights

As I said last post, I'm a child of the 80s-90s.  So naturally, like many of my generation, I found myself in college at one point brooding over a cup of coffee getting wax philosophic.  You know that state- that state in which you begin toying with all the pseudo-intellectual concepts you've learned from your college level courses and apply them to popular media.  That point where you think "Yes, I could write a dissertation explaining how Star Wars intersects the concepts of Taoism with western religion's notion of good and evil!".  I was in that place, that humorous place, when I realized "Well [explicative] the Smurfs are commies!"

It's odd to realize that all smurfs seem to have their own special occupation- their occupation is often synonymous with who they are- save for smurfs who are named after their personality traits/character flaws.  Despite having a wide array of careers, most of the Smurf houses look similar in size and luxury.  In fact, most of the Smurfs dress... identical.  And why is Papa Smurf referred to as "Papa"?  Smurfs live in what is, in some respects, a Marxist Utopia. 

I'm sure someone who has watched the Smurfs more recently may have a good counter argument to the theory- or someone who has studied the concepts of communism a little more in depth.  Remember, this crazy theory was concocted under the influence of old coffee and that special lack of sleep you have during undergraduate studies.  At this point I can tell I will be receiving letters from the readership pleading with me to quit drinking coffee...

Episode Twenty Eight: Smurfing Scallywags!

I was born in 1983 and the Smurfs was one of those staples of my childhood.  I loved Smurfette because, let's face it, she was the only chick in the whole village.  I was the only girl with three brothers- so I could relate to being the lone female.  As a kid I was pretty distressed when the Smurfs got canceled, and I channeled my young anger on the usurper- apparently Gumby had taken the time slot.  So needless to say, I grimaced when I found out about the new movie.  You just don't mess with someone's childhood- that sense of innocence and wonder.

I can see myself passing on the upcoming movie- the probability of corny lines and forced plot is too high.  I love nostalgia, I do, but I doubt this will be the smurfs I know and love.

And while it's an older sketch of mine- it's been ages since I've annoyed the Curve Zone with my comics:

To Be Continued!

 Today's post and comic will be followed up in the next Episode of THE CURVE ZONE.

Episode Twenty Seven: Politically Correct- a Guide.

Hello readers.  Most of us are generally politically correct folk.  We know how to approach sensitive topics with social grace and class.  Politically incorrect words, statements, and behaviors are, generally, understood and warned against.  Several workplaces offer mind-numbingly boring, oh sweet lord why is it so boring  exciting instructional videos about things to avoid doing/saying in the work place.  Yet, without fail, some poor sap is going to open their mouth or unleash a digital post resulting in what the net knows as an "epic facepalm".  Facepalm, if you do not know the word, is used to describe hitting/covering one's own forehead or face with one's own hand out of sheer disbelief/shared embarrassment at another person's mistake (you can also look up facepalm clips on you tube).

While I do suspect people who excel at politically correct fails are, most likely, beyond help.  None the less, here at the Curve Zone we care.


So before you cause all your friends to say:

Let's give you a practical guide on ways to be a little more politically correct:

1. When a natural disaster or mass tragedy hits another country or social/ethnic/religious group, never, I repeat, never respond with "they had it coming".  No, just no.  If people have died in an incident, it is never appropriate to say it was justified.  It doesn't matter if you personally believe that natural disasters are the vengeance of your god(s), it is not appropriate to say it.  If you say something to that effect you're going to be as popular as someone who kicks puppies.

Why did you kick me????

2.  Don't Troll on Facebook.  Just Trollin' doesn't apply when you're not Anonymous.  I realize people troll, that's what people do.  Before you troll, STOP.  Are you on Facebook?  That same Facebook account your mama and grandma read?  The same Facebook where you added your boss and a legion of coworkers?  And all those people you're not really friends with but added so you could have Farmville Neighbors?  Are you sure your grandmother will understand that you were "Just Trollin'" when you said those racist comments last week?  Worse yet, do you want to find our that your 90 year old grandmother dated an SS Officer when suddenly she thinks you're seriously "supporting the cause"?  That's right, you might unleash a world of pain if you're trolling around and then find out a dark family secret.  It will be awkward at Thanksgiving knowing your sweet little Nana was a Nazi. 

3. If You're going to be Controversial on Facebook- SETTINGS.  If you absolutely cannot abstain from an offensive comment, please, please, please, look at your privacy settings.  You can limit viewership of individual posts, statuses, notes, etc- you can block specific people or set up a group to block.  They will still see your normal facebook posts but not your three page Mel Gibson-esque rant.  That's right Right-to-Life-r, you can avoid a snide comment from a Pro-Choice cousin by having the post not show up in their facebook feed- amazing!

You see that "Lock" icon, use it, it is your best friend.

4.  Don't Say it at Work:  No no no no NO!!!   BAD! You can't see it, but I am hitting you with a rolled up newspaper whenever you think it's prudent to post sexist commentary up at work where everyone can see.  Unless you are deliberately trying to get fired, and possibly forfeit any hope of unemployment compensation- don't say anything of a racially charged nature at work.  Comments about the opposite sex are also a no zone, as are comments about sexual preference.  Believe it or not your most influential client may be Gay- and you may cost your company thousands of dollars because you felt the need to vocalize your opinions on the job.  Which leads me to number five...

5. You Never Know:  I get a lot of fellow white people sharing little chats with me when it's just me and them.  They often assume that as a fellow white person I must share their views of black people and other people of color.  What some of them either forget- or never knew- is that my fiance is Filipino.  If you feel the need to rant about sexual orientation or gender identity- and you don't REALLY know the person you're ranting to- you could be in for a world of hurt.  Several Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender people are in the closet.  Rock Hudson made his acting career playing the roguish straight-man only to turn out to be gay in real life. Ranting about religion is just as risky. Just because a person acts the way you feel a Christian should act (friendly, morally upright) doesn't make them a Christian.  Strong family values are as much a part of Hinduism, Islam, and Judaism as they are Christianity. 

6. "I'm Not a Racist... but."  If you have to tack on that qualifier then what you say is going to be interpreted the wrong way.  Even if your following statement -isn't- racist, people are going to be preemptively facepalming.  Adding this qualifier before a comment does not make it politically correct.

7. Political Correctness is not (typically) a debate:  Yes, we get that you've won two debate championships... that's hardcore man.  Unfortunately some things in life aren't determined by how well or how fiercely you make your argument.  If you get caught saying something which is unintentionally offensive your best bet is to apologize for the misunderstanding and try to make amends.  The harder you argue, the worse it will get- especially if you are arguing online.  Once the initial offense has occurred- even if you were innocent- people are going to be too emotionally charged to be placated by "logic".  Politically correctness is not a matter of being right, it's a matter of being able to effectively communicate and interact with others.  The establishment of a positive relationship is the end goal- not lording over your associates with a self-proclaimed superior intellect.

John the human had won the argument, but lost the respect of dinosaurs everywhere.

In closing, if trying to be politically correct is not your cup of tea- please consider trolling 4chan and watching Hetalia*.

*My Fiance and I stumbled on the series the other day- it's an anime in which various countries are personified.  It's that level of wrong that makes it incredibly entertaining.

Episode Twenty Six: For Our Global Friends

Ni Hao, Здравствултe (I hope Bable fish translated that correctly, I can say the word but I do not know how to write in Cyrillic), Kamusta ka na, Bonjour!

Courtesy of Google's amazing audience tracking skills, it has come to my attention that here at the Curve Zone we have a significant global audience.  I'm particularly excited that we've have an audience in Russia and the Philippines.  My fiance is part filipino (or pinoy) and my great grandparents were from the Ukraine and Russia.

 Unfortunately I know that I have a bad habit of speaking in excessive slang and American expressions.  I also have a habit of writing things in jest or humor from time to time.  So if there is ever an expression I use that does not translate well (or just seems odd), please let me know.

I pray to god that certain television shows from America have not gone overseas.  For the record, if you are not an American and you have been watching "Jersey Shore" that is not an accurate depiction of American life.  Other shows that are inaccurate include "The Bachelor" and "Grey's Anatomy".  Unfortunately not all American doctors are exceptionally attractive as Grey's Anatomy has led you to believe.

While I'm sure many myths about American life are easily spotted, just as I can tell that travel to India will not result in colorful song and dance like that in a Bollywood movie, it doesn't hurt to point out some myths about American life.

The Reality of American Life:


-We're not that rich.  While Americans do enjoy certain luxuries unavailable in certain regions of the world, we are not all as capricious as our film and television counterparts.  Walmart has been successful in the US for a reason- it's because a little money goes a long way at Walmart.

-We can't afford to see "Dr. House".  While I do adore Hugh Laurie- it takes an Englishman to play the epitome of an American asshole- in the real world a single trip to Dr. House would cost more than a normal person can afford.  The cost of healthcare in the US is unfathomable- a single trip to the hospital can cost thousands of dollars for routine tests.  Thankfully, on that note, Americans are not regularly inflicted with extremely rare and fatal conditions.

-Yes, we're fat.  Unhealthy foods are really, really cheap in the US.  Fruits and vegetables are rather pricey.  In many US cities we don't walk either.  Housing in the center of a city is much more expensive for a safe neighborhood than the cost of owning a car.  As such, many Americans opt to commute and drive to work.  Spending up to an hour in the car to drive to work is fairly normal in the US.  However, when you drive everywhere you lose much-needed exercise and thus you get more fat Americans.

-We're much saner.  Yes, there are many crazy Americans out there.  However, most Americans are of more moderate opinions.  Online you may see a lot of trolls depicting Americans as nasty, hateful creatures that lack both education and tact.  Unfortunately the US does have an abundance of very bored teenagers who find it fun to spew crazy on the internet in jest.  Although people such as Glenn Beck and Michael Moore are very vocal, most Americans are not nearly that... err... interesting?  In the US there are republicans with democrat friends and democrats with republican friends.

-We're not as promiscuous as you think.  Americans may seem obsessed with sex when you watch our movies and television.  The truth is, scandal sells movies and television shows.  Americans adore a good scandal.  Sex is popular in movies and television because our country had roots in puritanism.  Sex is exciting to us because it's still considered scandalous.  The reality is we're usually too busy to do anything.  Statistically Americans work longer hours than our European counterparts.  American women do dress rather provocatively- but this is a huge caution to non-American men.  In the US it is very normal for a woman to dress in a sexual manner without any intent to have sex.  If a woman is dressed scantily that is not an open invitation for sexual advances.  If there is one guaranteed way to piss of an American woman it is assume she is easy.

-And finally, this is a unfortunately true and not a myth: we don't use the metric system.  Despite metric being more mathematically elegant and logical- we don't understand it.

Episode Twenty Five: Spawn.

Children, life's miracle renewed and presented as a testament to the beauty of humanity.  These creatures, perhaps little angels, our blessing and our hope for the future.  Innocence of heart and joy of spirit.  Is there anything more wonderful than children?  The pitter patter of little feet, the sounds of a priceless family heirloom being smashed to tiny shards.  The angelic face of a babe sleeping after keeping you and your partner awake for 48 hours.  Children, kids, offspring, spawn. 

I am not yet a parent, I have reviewed my perpetual shortcomings in the sanity department (and my far greater shortcomings in the financial department) and resolved that if possible I shall delay having children until a better time.  The worst part of being a childless couple is occasionally suffering the side effects of other people's children.  The best part of being a childless couple is being able to laugh at the misfortune follies of other couples who have gone the parental route. 

Here are some indicators that you may have procreated in excess (Translation: You have too many kids.)

1. Your naming convention for your offspring has departed from the cumbersome concept of names such as "John" or "Kaylee" and you are now simply naming your children the number they were born, "23", "15", and "9 squared" should be considered signs of hazardous breeding levels.  The Dewey Decimal system will be considered grounds for forced sterilization. 

2. After a recent trip to the local Walmart you realized you may have replaced one your toddlers.  You discovered this twenty minutes after the ritual "unloading of the minivan" when it finally dawned on you there should have been one or two more. 

3. Angelina Jolie has written you a letter expressing her concern about the number of children you have. 

4. Unraveling the mystery of "who stole Mommy's Prozac" is far too complicated and in some respects pays homage to "Murder on the Orient Express". 

5. The CEO of Kimberly-Clark (Parent Company for Huggies) has sent you a personalized letter, stained with tears of joy, thanking you for loyal consumerism. 

6. You are so accustomed to the pains of childbirth that you no longer bother with epidurals or Lamaze.  Let's be honest, awkwardly enough, the V-jay jay has pretty much lost its elasticity by now. 

7. You've racked up some sweet frequent flier miles at the Maternity ward. 

8. Your children don't play on a little league team- they ARE a little league team

9.  When asked the standard "how many kids do you have?" question, you start to get defensive.  You then start to guess.  What, you were supposed to keep track?  Who the hell keeps track of that? 

10. Strangers approach you with pamphlets on birth control.  Everyone is in consensus that you haven't put two and two together just yet and you need to have the birds and the bees talk.  

If you or someone you know is baffled by the mystery of overly abundant spawn we here at the Curve Zone would like to give a small spoiler for your benefit.  We won't touch the surprisingly controversial topic of birth control, nay... we're just saying try playing scrabble with your spouse or having a movie night because...

SPOILER! Sex makes babies.