Episode Twenty Five: Spawn.

Children, life's miracle renewed and presented as a testament to the beauty of humanity.  These creatures, perhaps little angels, our blessing and our hope for the future.  Innocence of heart and joy of spirit.  Is there anything more wonderful than children?  The pitter patter of little feet, the sounds of a priceless family heirloom being smashed to tiny shards.  The angelic face of a babe sleeping after keeping you and your partner awake for 48 hours.  Children, kids, offspring, spawn. 

I am not yet a parent, I have reviewed my perpetual shortcomings in the sanity department (and my far greater shortcomings in the financial department) and resolved that if possible I shall delay having children until a better time.  The worst part of being a childless couple is occasionally suffering the side effects of other people's children.  The best part of being a childless couple is being able to laugh at the misfortune follies of other couples who have gone the parental route. 

Here are some indicators that you may have procreated in excess (Translation: You have too many kids.)

1. Your naming convention for your offspring has departed from the cumbersome concept of names such as "John" or "Kaylee" and you are now simply naming your children the number they were born, "23", "15", and "9 squared" should be considered signs of hazardous breeding levels.  The Dewey Decimal system will be considered grounds for forced sterilization. 

2. After a recent trip to the local Walmart you realized you may have replaced one your toddlers.  You discovered this twenty minutes after the ritual "unloading of the minivan" when it finally dawned on you there should have been one or two more. 

3. Angelina Jolie has written you a letter expressing her concern about the number of children you have. 

4. Unraveling the mystery of "who stole Mommy's Prozac" is far too complicated and in some respects pays homage to "Murder on the Orient Express". 

5. The CEO of Kimberly-Clark (Parent Company for Huggies) has sent you a personalized letter, stained with tears of joy, thanking you for loyal consumerism. 

6. You are so accustomed to the pains of childbirth that you no longer bother with epidurals or Lamaze.  Let's be honest, awkwardly enough, the V-jay jay has pretty much lost its elasticity by now. 

7. You've racked up some sweet frequent flier miles at the Maternity ward. 

8. Your children don't play on a little league team- they ARE a little league team

9.  When asked the standard "how many kids do you have?" question, you start to get defensive.  You then start to guess.  What, you were supposed to keep track?  Who the hell keeps track of that? 

10. Strangers approach you with pamphlets on birth control.  Everyone is in consensus that you haven't put two and two together just yet and you need to have the birds and the bees talk.  

If you or someone you know is baffled by the mystery of overly abundant spawn we here at the Curve Zone would like to give a small spoiler for your benefit.  We won't touch the surprisingly controversial topic of birth control, nay... we're just saying try playing scrabble with your spouse or having a movie night because...

SPOILER! Sex makes babies.