Episode Fourteen: F.A.T. a PSA

Inspiration for this post, an article in Yahoo! Shine:
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/3-strikes-against-curvy-women-2396311/


According to a recent article (linked above) in Yahoo! plus-sized women on average make less than their slender counterparts.  Here in the Curve Zone, we embrace the voluptuous figure and a hearty appetite.  Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" is our anthem.  So we'd like to take a moment to send our salute to the hard working women of the world.

"Plus Sized" ladies of the world we would like to call you F.A.T.  That's right, F.A.T.- Fabulous And Talented.

So please, put down those amphetamine laced diet pills, pick up your forks, and be proud.  For anyone who has ever had to shop for pantyhose and found they did not carry a size for your frame, we salute you.  For anyone who has had a bosom too ample to be properly supported by the average bra- we believe in supporting our ta tas ladies and will rally behind you in the quest for the holy grail of D (or larger) Cups.  If you've been stuck at the gym on the elliptical runner next to a size 2, we feel your pain.   

Raise your cheese laden nachos high ladies and repeat after me.

Nacho Angel, my first image edit. 

-My intelligence, productivity, and work ethic are not determined by my weight

-I will not give in to the temptation to stop exercising out of shame of my body

- I will threaten to eat anyone who dares to pay me less than I deserve

-I actually have not intent to eat anyone, that's just gross...

-None the less, I will make them fear the F.A.T. chick, fear I say!

- Diet Cokes and Chimichangas are a ridiculous pairing

-While nutritious food is always a good idea, the act of eating is in no way deviant, immoral, or unnatural.  Eating is a natural thing.

-I do not envy Kate Moss's figure because she looks like a forlorn coat-hanger 

- I will continue to work my hardest and each day I will wake up and embrace my curves

-I am a F.A.T. woman, and I am proud.

The curve zone would also like to salute our skinny sisters.  We apologize for every time you go on a diet and we eat cookies in front of you out of spite.  Sorry.

Episode Thirteen: The Staggering Reality of "Michael Bay"

Director Michael Bay's avid love of car explosions has led to his name being a Synonym for everything that is grandiose and explosive in the land of action movies.  This is the first in what I hope to be a series of posts devoted to various genres of movies and how they would mesh up with reality.  No worries- I will be poking fun at RomComs (Romantic Comedies for our male readers) sometime soon. 

As though we needed it stated, here goes, a list of things that would impact reality/points to think about judging from the universe of action flicks.

6.  Innocent Bystanders would be killed senselessly on a regular basis:
In an action movie often a hero will go through great lengths to prevent the loss of human life... unfortunately this seems to pertain mostly to loved ones of the protagonist.  In a movie where a hijacker must be stopped from killing 30 innocent people we find that policemen, firefighters, innocent commuters at the wrong place at the wrong time, etc all are seemingly expendable in the eyes of the camera.

John was just commuting home from work when a truck veered head-first into his lane.  Michael Bay explosion later, do you really think that poor guy in a Camry made it out of the fiery inferno in-tact?  Nope.  Living in the Action Movie universe you're more likely to be the unseen motorist of an exploding vehicle than the suave loose-cannon cop.

5.  All women are Hot:
Congratulations to all heterosexual men out there- this universe rewards you greatly.  Ladies... it's not fun.  Now there are normal weight and appearance women in these movies... they're usually the expendable hostages noted in number 6... ick.  Here in the Curve Zone we like our women, well, reasonable.  No offense Maggie Q- you're gorgeous but some of us like eating. 

4. Law is negligible: 
The protagonist in an action flick is not going to bother with frivolities such as obtaining a search warrant, interrogating witnesses without resorting to physical punishment, or avoiding massive destruction of property.  In a Michael Bay Universe you can count on the following.  A cop may kick down your door at any moment, you may be apprehended as a witness, be bludgeoned into a stupor as they ask you where the weapons are, and then come home to find that your house has been demolished by a derailed train.  As rockin' as the vigilantes of Action Movies are, I think I prefer my relatively law-abiding local police force... I mean they'll never go Jack Bauer on me.  I've had a speeding ticket, and I am thankful I was not beaten to a pulp whilst a renegade cop shouted at me "HOW FAST WERE YOU GOING???  I'M ONLY GOING TO ASK ONCE!"

3. Cronies Defy Logic:
It's not that cronies may have that creepy indestructible quality, though that is unnerving, it's that they do so at a Crony pay rate.  Cronies in action flicks are thrown into walls, out of windows, knocked unconscious, kicked, punched, stabbed, shot, and otherwise abused beyond recognition.  Hold up!  These are just guys trying to earn a living!  Do you think they really care about who's going to win?  I mean, I wouldn't want to be kicked in the head by Chuck Norris if Norris disagreed with my boss!

What is staggering is why cronies in action movies KEEP coming back to fight the hero.  There is always at least one or two cronies who really ought to be in a hospital but keep chasing after the protagonist.  Why?  Just once I'd love to see a crony in an action flick throw up his or her hands and say "Screw it!  My crappy minimum wage job is not worth this!  I don't even get dental!"

2. Monogamy... never heard of it...
Bruce Wayne, Indiana Jones, James Bond, etc... monogamy is not their forte.  These gents can hardly get a second date to save their lives, let alone make it to the altar.  There is a notable exception: Rick and Evie from the Mummy Series, but as the most recent flick proves, that's because anyone but Rachel Weisz as the female lead would be all wrong.  In the action movie universe anyone who makes protagonist status must be prepared for a series of failed relationships.  Even worse- your past relationship is almost never mentioned, as though it never happened O_O

1. Flammable 
The most obvious feature of the action universe is the explosive nature of everything touched.  No explanation needed.  However, I fear that living in that universe so much as sitting on my couch will lead to my fiery doom.  KABOOM!  >.<

-------

And as mentioned in a previous post, I will explain the picture of the truck facing head-on.
I actually did not evade a semi-truck running head first toward me.  In fact it was a tow truck towing the tractor of a semi... but it was facing my vehicle and I saw a moment for the best photo ever.  Sorta boring isn't it? 

Episode Twelves: P-Hotos and a Disturbed Jim Croce

Dear Readers,

Yes, doesn't that greeting give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside?  It's all fourth wall breakage and what not.  I'd write "Dear Journal" but A. this is not a journal, it's far less autobiographical in intent and B. that phrase would feel like quasi-plagiarism as it is a direct reference to an awesome animated series from the 90s known as "Doug" (the Nickelodean version, not the Disney version). 

</tangent>

When it comes to the images in my blog I prefer to use my own, whether I have done extensive edits, drawn the content, or take the photograph.  I have yet to sue myself for copy right infringement.

After a long dry spell of non-upload I have a few new additions taken with my phone to share. 

Beyond the Grave Jim Croce released a new Album...chilling and dark.

I'd say one of the gems from my excursion was stumbling on a Jim Croce CD that was poorly sorted at Walmart.  I may try submitting it to failblog.  I loved this photo because I am a fan of Jim Croce's music- I enjoy his lyrics which tell complete stories in an entire song.  I thought his expression fit the "Disturbed" label quite well.  And of course he's disturbed, his CD is only $5! 

Look closely at this photo.  Yup, it's a moment in Michael Bay's world.  I think I shall devote an entire post, coming very soon, to this photo alone.  It says everything.  How I took it and lived to tell the tale?  I'll reveal that in another post.  Read on dear readers, read on!

About a month ago my fiance and I decided to color some pretty pictures one night.  This is his.  I however... err...

I sort of went overboard.  I have been known to have bouts of perfectionism.  I believe this coloring is a prime example of how I can become obsessive over an artistic project. 

The cat in the coloring book was inspired by my mom's cat...

In addition to being adorable Carter is also a few standard deviations above the mean in terms of intelligence.  He can open doors with lever handles (Yes, like a Raptor from Jurassic Park!), and he learned which button on Mom's copier/printer made paper shoot out. 

Well I have tons of other photos but I believe I shall pace myself so I'll have plenty of new content to come!

Episode Eleven: My Eternal Lack of Tact

To anyone who may be reviewing the time stamp on my blog and knows my work schedule, this is my lunch break and I'm on my own computer (in order to complete one of my reports I have to bring in my own lap top because our work computers are too slow- an hour long report can take up to three hours on the work computers). 

So this evening I found myself on the phone with my father.  While on the phone I decided to brave a topic of conversation previously neglected.  As mentioned in the first post (The Conspiracy, read it if you haven't already)- I am engaged.  On the phone I decided that while no date has been set maybe it was time to tell dad I wasn't going to have him walk me down the aisle...

Bit of an inside joke- but I needed to make an image we could all use.

Dad was upset, which I was anticipating, but I had not anticipated how bad it would be.  I had explained to him that I wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle.  My parents are divorced and I was raised solely by my mom since then.  I tried to stress to my dad that it was no slight against him, but that Mom had sacrificed so much for me, always been there, that it only seemed right for her to be the one to walk me down the aisle when I get married.  Plan backfired.  Dad, naturally hurt, and got defensive.  Unfortunately for Dad it is completely one sided on the parent front. Both parents had the same opportunity, but it was Mom who always made the sacrifices and the efforts to look after my brothers and I. 

Sometimes I guess there is no way to be tactful.  I speculate whether telling Dad sooner than later was for the better or not.  Truth be told though, the symbolic giving away of the bride can be construed as a sexist tradition or something more valuable.  On one hand it could be viewed as the woman being treated like property- Father to Husband.  On the other hand it may symbolize how our parents won't be with us forever and therefore if we choose to get married it is their time to "give us away"- handing over the responsibility and trusting in the spouse to take the lead.  Sure, in a perfect world I suppose that would entail the groom being given away as well, but the point is that while tradition does state the father of the bride gives her away, it makes the most sense for the person (aside from the groom) who has given the bride the most love and support to give her away. 

Episode Ten: Procrastination

I would like to preface this blog with a strong emphasis on the fact that I am, honestly, a very industrious person.  I believe firmly in the philosophy of work hard and play harder- which means that I will push myself to accomplish a lot in order to feel entitled to relaxation.  None the less I have acquired the habit of procrastination.  Usually I procrastinate on things which I don't quite understand.  When it came to homework as a kid I would gladly do my math homework first- it was self-explanatory back in the days of algebra and I could finish it relatively quickly.  I always put off things such as essays and projects- I seldom had access to a library and I assumed that asking my parents for help on what to do would be synonymous with cheating. 

When I know what I need to do I am able to walk into the fire and do what I must.  Ambiguity is another story.  This is not to say that I hate ambiguity in general- in fact I prefer life presented as a series open-ended possibilities.  I have a hard time defining the steps of a task that is ambiguous- it's hard to evaluate progress.  This is one of the reasons I fell away from writing.  Finishing a piece in the terms of beginning to end is concrete, but editing is an organic process that lacks a definitive end point. 

Job hunting has become a matter of procrastination for me.  As I stand right now the only way I can pay my student loans back is get a better-paying job or take on a second job.  It's more than the money though- I thoroughly desire a career.  My issue is that I'm not really sure where to look.  I feel as though no companies are wanting to risk it with entry level positions- everyone is wanting experience. 

I feel as though myself and my generation have been denied a chance to prove ourselves.  Few of my friends have careers even though the majority of us have college degrees and have dedicated ourselves to companies and industries.  Mobility in the career world does not exist for the 23-29 crowd.  We entered the job market during the recession.  Now we are weighed down by our educational debt with none of the job prospects we had envisioned during our college years. 

College has become, somehow, a symbol of procrastination.  Education has been devalued to the point in which certain employers regard it as a way of avoiding life.  Perhaps to some extent they are right.  Yet, if we were to bridge the disconnect between theories we learn in college and practical applications we learn in the work force then we could fashion a more efficient and knowledgeable work force. 

In the meantime I believe I (this one time) speak for my generation in saying that I am here, and I am ready.  I have the skills, the drive, the integrity, and the flexibility to be an invaluable asset to a company- but I need someone to open the door and let me in.  I need a chance to prove myself.  Do not waste my education and my capabilities.  Do not speak to me of inexperience- my generation walks older generations through software programs on a daily basis- I explain to people twice my age how to utilize resources at their disposal several times a week.  We have taken our turn in showing you the way, now its your turn to show us the way. 

Wisdom is to be shared.  Wisdom that is not shared is not wisdom, merely gloating. 

Episode Nine: Enter the Logo.

Hello Readers.

If that greeting hasn't scared you away then... uhh... thanks for sticking around.  Today I explain the choice of name for the blog and unveil Logo 1.0

It's MS Paint-tastic!

So what does the Curve Zone stand for?

-The Curve Zone stands for curves, as in the kind women folk like the author of this blog have.  I'm a curvy person- and so this zone is, well, curvy friendly. 

Ewww You're Fat!

-Yup.

Seriously, YOU'RE FAT!

-Observant. 

When is the next post?

-I'm honestly debating whether I should include more photos and graphics in the next post or just focus on the writing aspect.  Feedback in the comments would be greatly appreciated.  What would people like to see? 

Episode Eight: Odds, Ends, Philosophies

I will elaborate at a future time on the Ohio trip.  I wish to upload photos and get some sleep in me before then. 

I am still having way too much fun with photo editor

The trip in:

-Surprisingly pretty, fall colors were sporting Mother Nature's run-way fashions of the season.  I dig it- very chic. 

-My first impression of the City of Indianapolis was very poor because the highway was closed down at 70 on my drive in, according to the man who gave me directions to get OUT of Indianapolis, because they were planting flowers... at 4pm...on a Thursday.  Yeah...

The Wedding:

-Was an amazing blend of beauty, simplicity, sincerity, and wonderful setting.  Congrats!

-Olive Garden catered, perfect.  And yes, this is shameless promotion, because if shamelessly plugging the Olive Garden could result in free food... well I will be happy to detail how much I love the breadsticks and the salad.  Now I'm hungry.

Philosophies. 

  After pulling seven hours on a road and catching a quick nap I had to work last night.  My co-worker was discussing a client who was always complaining and discussed a philosophy he has, which mirrors one of my own philosophies.  His philosophy is that if you look for good things you will always find good things. 

If you look for things that are wrong...

Carter the Cat Hates Red Bull!

 

 

 Well, you get the picture, you're going to spend your life pretty dissatisfied. 

Truth be told the lives of customer service personnel were best summed up in Kevin Smith's "Clerks".  I would like to add a few archetypes of customers from my own line of work to the mix:

-The Il-literati: A word I shall make up to coin a special breed of "illiterate" customers.  Big bold lettered signs at eye level that read "DO NOT ENTER", "STAFF ONLY", "NO SMOKING", etc do not exist for this group.  When you must explain to the illiterati that what they are doing is against property rules they act baffled and then reprimand you for not warning them.  Alas, who knew so many were illiterate? 

-The Manipulator:

Unlike this Dog Most Manipulators aren't Cute.

The manipulator is the customer that thinks they're more convincing than they are.  I'm a female staff member- but it seems that female customers will occasionally try to use the same voice they use to ploy male staff.  Saying "Pretty Please" all fore-lorn-like may work if you're under the age of 10- but if you're in your thirties give it up! 

-The Taker of the Business to the Land of Elsewhere:
The most ridiculous thing you can do to an irked customer service worker is to threaten to take your business elsewhere.  Seeing as we make the same amount of money whether the terror customer is there or not... the choice is obvious.  In fact, I had a woman threaten me with that very line last night after I had mentioned in passing that her group was being rather loud..  My reaction was essentially "alright"- neither flippant not repentant. 

Yeah- I'm heart broken that a guest that probably cost us other, more lucrative, customers through her noise levels is threatening not to come back. 

And that, was my happy moment for the day: what if the lady did not come back :D  

Episode Seven: On the Road Again

As previously mentioned I am making a trip out of state for a friend's wedding.  I am looking forward to seeing old friends again but absolutely dreading the length of the drive each way.  One may ponder what beauties may grace me through my leisurely drive...

Once again, Photo Editor is Amazing.  This is an old cell phone photo I took.

Unfortunately I'll be driving through Illinois and Indiana- so I'm a bit skeptical on what will be in the way of scenery.

For me I love the feeling of freedom instilled in me when I cruise along the highway.  It's a little like having wings and taking to the air.  Ahead there is only possibility and escape from the routine of my life.  Granted- seven hours may be a bit excessive, I'm not looking forward to this aspect of my trip.

 I once had a Theater History professor, a very knowledgeable woman and a fantastic orator, discuss the concept of breaking routine.  Maybe this is the allure behind Ferris Bueller's Day Off- we are drawn into the question of what would we do if we could just be free from our routine for a day.

Routine is not without its merits, on some level humans need a level of auto-pilot to function.  Routines allow us to do things quickly, orderly, and without much thought.  However, when we break the routine we awake from the spell of automation and suddenly sense the world around us, vivid, interactive, and alive.

My challenge of the day to you, dear readers, is that you break your routine somehow- be allowed to take a detour from the daily drudgery.  Let me know if you have any interesting outcomes: amandamercutio@gmail.com

Episode Six: How to Barter- if a Chinese Vendor isn't dragging you by the arm, you're doing it wrong!

I had a unique opportunity a few months ago to visit Beijing and Tianjin, China for a class.  At the time I was filled with a thousand stories, sights, and adventures.  However, my return from the trip was marked by the death of a friend and after the initial out pour of adventures I more-or-less stopped talking about Beijing. 

Like all triggers of my memory, it all began with a tangent.  I was doing the internet hotel rate report for work and my eyes were locked on the Priceline Mascot William Shatner's ridiculous "negotiation" pose, which triggered a memory...Bartering in Beijing. 

Magically a Photo becomes a work of art...courtesy of Window's Photo Editor

Bargaining in China is completely different from the rules we've adapted in the US.  Previous to this trip I had been the worst person in my MBA level Negotiation class.  According to in-class role plays I stunk like a skunk at negotiation.  That was until I walked through the crowded silk market in Beijing.  I discovered there that I am the unholy terror that plagues the vendors- the shrewdest damn harpy that ever boiled up from the bowels of America. 

Ok, so I wasn't -that-, good, but it should be noted that I went from being the WORST negotiator in mock sessions to out pricing all of my classmates in Beijing.  I felt a hint of Schadenfreude as my classmate boasted a 200 RMB deal on a silk scarf, which I had purchased for 20 RMB. 

I'm not a Communist- I just thought the Mao Pins to Be Really Novel. 

So how did I do it?

Well, the Chinese street vendors have a very different set of rules when it comes to bargaining than Americans.  Also, keep the mentality that everything in the markets is a very lovely fake.  Many Americans forget the things that make them gullible marks when shopping in China.  Keep in mind that Chinese vendors are very conscientious of the clothing you are wearing and your body language.  The true game of bartering in Beijing is not about the words you use- many vendors may have limited English- the way to play the game is all about non-verbal. 

I had one unfair advantage over the classmates I was traveling with.  I was, in short, poorer than my peers.  I was dressed in Walmart duds with a pair of sneakers that had seen better days.  If you should ever have the good fortune to go to Beijing put on your grungiest clothing.  Whipping out an iPhone is, in case you are dense, also a bad way to go about.   

The biggest asset to bartering in Beijing is being able to walk away from any, and I mean, ANY potential purchase.  This is where this blog gets interesting.  The vendors in the silk market have some of the most ridiculous ploys and lines to try to win you to a horrid deal- and everyone knows they are bad lines.  Always the first offer was started with "Normally 500, but for you 250 RMB, very good deal!"  Then there was the flattery- my male classmates received plenty of "you are a very good looking man!".  I even received the famous line used car salesmen everywhere adore "Please Lady, my boss is watching me, she's going to get mad at me if I don't make this sale!" 

The real sight is watching yours truly walking through the market with a vendor- literally- hanging off of my arm.  Huge warning- if you are adverse to strangers touching you then you should avoid the Silk Market- Vendors grab.  By the end of the trip I was somewhat forlorn that I did not have Vendor-weight on my arm.  It was like having your own special friend who was shouting out increasingly lower prices as you walked.  -Sigh-

The bottom line to bartering in Beijing is really apathy.  The more you present that you could care less about the merchandise and the price, the better the deals become.

Note, however that while this blog is a decent source of tips on bartering abroad, it is NOT to be construed as the way to negotiate certain deals in the US.  Which brings us to the origin of my tangent...  Mr. Shatner.   

My profession (await big reveal...) is as a Hotel Clerk, not necessarily appealing to most until you realize that my particular position is actually a Quasi-Accountant of sorts. No matter what Priceline and spokesman William Shatner may lead you to believe- tough love negotiations seldom lead to cheaper hotel rooms.  In reality most hotel clerks do not earn any commission or other incentive for sales.  We are required to quote the highest price first... however we're not going to haggle tooth and nail.  Kindly ask for the lowest rate the clerk can give you that night.  If you walk out the door- well I guarantee you that I for one will not be clinging to your arm shouting out lower rates... sorry.  

Episode Five: Superheroes, Tights and Capes Aren't Easy

 (Forgive the surge of posts, I making more before I get busy with work this weekend). 

Like most every red-blooded woman working in a customer service related industry there are several days where I feel
like somehow I'm required to be Superman as part of my job.  As part of my job I have to make the impossible possible and somehow appease the most unusual of requests from magically solving the problem of the inconvenient road construction to people wanting me to call their cell phone companies for them.  As a result I begin to entertain the advantages of heat vision, flying, or super strength.  What results is a deep appreciation of how demanding being a super hero would be...

1. The Costume:  I'm the kind of woman who hates pantyhose.  Now imagine running around and fighting crime in, you got it- tights you procured from the tiny plastic egg at Walmart.  Then there is the fact that male or female most super hero suits (at least if you're in the realm of Marvel or DC) is VERY form fitting.  Are you ready for an entire metropolis to see the exact shape of your buttocks?  As for the Ladies, when it isn't skin tight- it's not even there.  Do you feel a breeze?  I feel a breeze.  Secretly I suspect five out of every six super heroes sneaks to adjust the thermostat mid battle against injustice.

2. The Lack of Personal Boundaries:  

This comic I drew about a year ago is silly, but it's true.  If you hate the sound of your cell ringing when you're in the shower or trying to watch TV, imagine the Bat Signal.  You can't exactly say "I'm sorry Citizens, but it was the Season Finale of Dancing with the Stars and well...  you didn't really need that preschool, right?"  This could also explain the mystery of why the average super hero/James Bond/Indiana Jones/Adventurer cannot hold down a long term relationship.  All you want to do is snuggle up on the couch with your sweetie- but if the world needs saving... well...

3.  No One You Love Would EVER Be Safe: 

Even if you're not a comic book aficionado you are probably aware that the arch nemesis will always, always kidnap the person most important to you at some point in time.  It may be your sweet, elderly Aunt or the girl/boy you've been crushing on since the dawn of time- but none-the-less, people you care about will by necessity be in mortal peril approximately every other Tuesday.

4. Arch (Friend)Nemesis:

As an ordinary person I can sleep well at night knowing I lack an arch nemesis.  Enter the world of the super hero.  Not only will you have an arch nemesis- but your best friend will be one of the primary candidates to become said nemesis.

5. Monologue-ing from Said Nemesis:

If you struggle to stay awake in class/a staff meeting, this life is not for you.  Even worse, few villains bother with a Powerpoint presentation to break the monotony of the monologue.  Just food for thought.

And the Winner Is:

6.  Expectations:  If you can fly and shoot lasers out of your eyes the expectations are that much higher.  As an ordinary human being when life is dishing it out at least you can fling your hands in the air and cry out "What do you want from me?  I'm not Superman!"  Unfortunately for Clark Kent... well... maybe this is the reason for all those Superhero alter-egos?