Episode Twenty Two: Single People- The Alligator Suitcases

Ahoy Singletons! 

After a friend had shared this link Commentary on a Poor Taste Advertisement

 on facebook I felt it was time for me, in my bloggeriffic omniscient powers, to make a post about single life.  As an engaged woman I fear there is a possible rift between some of my single friends and I.  Let’s face it- do they really want to be annoyed with all the prattle about wedding planning?  I don’t want to become the equivalent of that one friend (almost everyone has one) who has recently had a baby and now only talks about parenting.  Most of us are inclined to do it when we have a major life event going on- forget that we are engaging in monologue instead of dialogue. 

So your married/engaged friend is blathering on about his/her oh so adorable love interest.  And, if the majority of your friends are paired off for better or for worse, you may feel a bit like that lone bag circling the luggage return.   

Borrowed from http://www.honeyhelpyourself.com/?paged=2 from an amazing Blog Author named Kriste, check out her site!

Love is a lot like the luggage carousel.  As people we need acceptance so greatly at times that we are essentially pieces of luggage waiting to be claimed.  (WARNING: EXTENDED METAPHOR!)

The obsession with being in a couple misses the mark entirely though.  I mean, who wants to be waiting around pointlessly with the sole objective to be claimed?  Sometimes the best thing to be is that audacious alligator-print suit-case circling the baggage claim.  Alligator suit-case knows what’s what- it’s not waiting for someone to claim it, oh no, it’s rocking the ride around the carousel.  Alligator suit-case is entirely too avant-garde to be “claimed”.  Alligator suit-case is fine as is; it is having fun mocking the luggage that is so generic that ten different travelers all try to claim it before realizing from the luggage tag that it’s not their bag. 

Couplehood is indeed wonderful, but not because romantic love is the great panacea.  People need relationships, as in connection.  But connection does not exist solely in romantic attachments.  We need parents, siblings, children, friends, co-workers, teachers, pupils, that customer service person we see frequently but don’t know the name of, etc.  Single people do not mysteriously lack a support network- they are not devoid of loved ones.  The secret to being single is having love in your life aplenty. 

Be the alligator suit-case, don’t lament being single.  Ride the luggage carousel of life and enjoy every moment of it, every friend, every face, and do not settle for the wrong person.  While sometimes the owners of generic suitcases grab the wrong luggage by mistake, the owner of the Alligator suitcase doesn’t grab the wrong case, and probably fancied that case for some reason.  The rest of us just purchased our luggage because “it’s luggage”, but the person who bought that alligator-skin suitcase was thinking “now that’s stylin’!” 

And you, beloved single friends, are completely styling. 

Episode Twenty One: The Great Divide

So for over three years now I've been working at this novel.  It's hardly a literary masterpiece- but it's something I've written and is near completion.  The problem is, when you're clacking away at MS Word on and off for three years you don't get a very good idea how long your novel is... until I found out from friends doing NaNoWriMo that a short novel is about 50,000 words... yeah... my novel has rather surpassed that.  My verbose nature strikes again!

As a new author I don't want to toss some 700 page monstrosity onto the laps of unsuspecting readers.  My book is already some unholy gathering of plots upon subplots and character count orgies worthy of Victor Hugo's signature writing style.  And for those who may misinterpret the last sentence, I mean to say that Victor Hugo (love the author, but...) was glutton for character creation.  I like elaborate tapestries of plot lines in my stories-the convoluted is something I am thoroughly inclined to write. 

So after all this time I'm beginning to think I should cleave the novel into two novels- go King Solomon on it (though technically Solomon never actually chopped any babies in two... despite the rampant violence which was characteristic of the Old Testament).  The major issue I have is that this book is intended to be part of a series, and it's not till the second book that things will get good--- which would become the third book of the series should my novel commit mitosis.  I have a hard time imagining readers will pick up the next book after enduring a rocky first book, let alone give the third book a chance when the first two were less than delightful.  The issue is that the next book I'm planning to write builds upon the foundation started in the current book (or books?).  Laying foundation is very difficult, but the payoff is vast.

I find that if I work the novel into two separate books that there are some pros and cons.

Cons:

-Lack of a good climatic finish midway through.  There is nothing so fascinating midway through the book that I would consider it an amazing finish.  Let's face it, even if most of a novel was sub par, if the end of the book was exciting and interesting, you'll remember the book as a good read.  Speaking of Victor Hugo...

-Various Story lines: Because the book follows four female leads (though there is a prominent main character), it's hard to find a stopping point that isn't -too- awkward for at least one of the characters

-Things come together in the second half of the book, it's untidy to have a book that essentially follows around four women who seemingly have no connection. 

Pros:

-I can avoid the entrance of several characters until book two.  I've added way too many characters for any poor reader to keep up.  Splitting the novel into two gives a stopping place before some of the characters enter, giving readers a second book to see new faces. 

-I can edit the first half quicker than I can edit the entire novel, this would push ahead any pitches to publishers.  With my student loans lurking so closely it wouldn't hurt to try to publish something in the near future and earn a few dollars on the side. 

Episode Twenty: And Thus, I am an Elder

My fiance has this friend who crashed at a friend's house for a "few days"... over 365 days to elaborate.  The guy barely kept contact with my fiance for the past two years, and when he was back in the town we were living in at the time threatened to start a fight with one of our acquaintances for a remark made about his girlfriend, and then knocked up said girlfriend.  Naturally girlfriend gave birth to baby, the duo broke up and the guy moved across the country at random. 

My fiance gets a message on Friday out of the blue that said friend was coming to town that night and needed transport and lodging.  Ah yes, scene has been set.  We told him no to Friday as I had to work and his ass would have been left cold at the train station.  Saturday however my fiance convinces me to house this guy with the explicit condition made clear to this guy that it is ONLY for one night. 

Yesterday morning I get off of work, I'm cranky, and I decide to hit the bed.  Hours later I awaken and my fiance tells me his friend left his stuff at our place, he'd be back to pick it up and then be gone.  As we're talking, I've just woken up mind you, he knocks on our door.  Then he asks us to stay the night.  This is when yours truly gets a little cheesed off. 

If you're thinking I kicked this person out of our apartment screaming and cussing, think worse.  No, dear readers.  I gave him "the talk".  That's right.  Lurking from the darkest place in my black, black heart, I retrieve--- the responsibility speech. 

I ask the lad to sit.  I take a seat on the floor across from him and lead in with "You're a father."  And thus I launch into the polite way of saying "You're a couch surfing loser who has abandoned his kid" speech- all with pretty words mind you.  I mean my fiance and I can hardly afford to stock enough food in our home for ourselves, let alone some uninvited house guest.  I am not in the mood to have "one night" become "one more night" followed by 13 or more other "one more" nights. 

Yes, my friends, I have become a village elder.  The only way I could have been any more of a cranky old lady is if I told him to get off my yard. 

Forgive the foul language in the lyrics, but I do believe the following song fits my feelings:

Offspring's Why Don't You Get a Job?

In other news, customer feedback... it would be easier to respect if the customer could spell.  I realize words such as "Many" and "There" are sort of big and challenging, but I assure you, said words are not spelled "Menny" and "Thair".  Yes, someone wrote, "Thair are not menny choices."  Also it's not spelled "Choclet chip muffens". 

Episode Nineteen: The Haunting Implications of Romantic Comedies.

Today we revisit the world of movies and what they mean.  Today's episode also is the first to use images not 100% my own- so the sources via google image search were: http://jake-weird.blogspot.com, http://screenrant.com, http://www.best-horror-movies.com, and http://www.open2.net.  I believe the use of images edited for comedic effect is fair use, but if the owners of these images have any contention please email me.  And yes, I made the following horrendously bad ms paint comic ^_^ '

So, legalities done, let us continue to the world of movies.

Enter the Rom Coms.

7 Horrifying facts or Implications of the Romantic Comedy Universe.

7. Matthew McConaughey's Career has gone down a dark route:
Remember when McConaughey had roles in some of the most evocative movies such as Contact, A Time to Kill, and Amistad?  Then there was the Wedding Planner, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, Failure to Launch... and suddenly we get Tropic Thunder.  Yup.  Nothing wrong with earning a few easy dollars, none the less, we miss your big boy roles McConaughey.

6. TSA is (in this universe) Nonexistent:
Forget about the lax TSA depicted in Action Movies.  Chick flicks win the worst fictional depiction of the TSA.  In the RomCom universe you can bypass airport security without a boarding pass, identification, etc, all you have to do is explain that the man/woman you love is on that plane and you HAVE to get on.  Even more daring- you can board the friggin' plane without a ticket.  I'm pretty sure the sweet attendants at Southwest Air will have me hogtied before I get a toe on the plane in real life- provided I haven't been tackled by 12 TSA agents yet.  What "Love Actually" failed to mention is the awkward questioning session the adorable little boy had to endure after giving airport security the slip-- unless England is more mellow about these things than the US?

5. It's Ok to Go Astray if it's Really, Really Love:
Don't get me wrong, I do wish to see the true love prevail.  None the less, the RomCom universe makes emotional (and sometimes even physical) affairs seem so okay, so beautiful.  Maybe it's because in 90% of chick flicks the rival to love is a despicable and otherwise uncouth human being.  None the less, let's look at it this way.

-Only You: Main character is already engaged, runs off to Italy to pursue destiny, winds up sleeping with another man.

-Leap Year: Protagonist is off to Ireland to chase down her boyfriend (Let's call him Dr. Boring) who is on a business trip to try and propose to him.  While in Ireland she meets Hunky McGuide, and while no one can blame her for trading up- there is a kiss and a whole lot of feelings when she's still technically with Dr. Boring. 

-Lake House: (and I do love this movie sadly) Female lead makes out with the male lead when she is involved with someone else. 

-Enchanted: Both belong to someone else, fall in love, and (albeit with his girlfriend's consent/implied break up) kisses the female lead. 

Don't get me wrong, these are endearing movies with endearing couples.  However, in the real world most of us would prefer that if destiny and true love stepped in that our significant others would do us the courtesy of a break up before locking lips with someone else.

4. You Always Love the One You Hate the Most:

"Sometimes love right when you hating most." -Avenue Q.  The formula has been done to death in romcoms- two people who can't stand each other and have seemingly nothing in common wind up falling madly in love.  Think about it in real world terms.  Imagine someone you cannot stand, someone who irritates you- now imagine winding up in bed with that person.  Yup, creepy?  It is.  While opposites do attract, imagine spending every day with a person with whom you just -can't- agree on, well, anything.  A divorced friend will gladly explain it to you.

3. Sex = Love:

This ties in with number 4.  Usually when the bickering duo finally break the sexual tension and sleep together they magically wind up in love.  It's not hard to find a romantic movie out there where two characters with very little connection have sex and are suddenly soulmates- and we're not talking in a Jame's Cameron Avatar neurological-linking mating ritual kind of way.  If the real world were to abide by the laws of the Chick Flick Universe then anytime you follow your loins you will wake up the next morning madly in love.  Warning: if you find yourself in this universe it's best to avoid a Tequila Sunrise unless you wish the love of your life to be the guy who is living in his mom's basement chronically unemployed because steady work conflicts with his busy WoW raid schedule.

2. Always a Race to the Finish:

Now here at the Curve Zone we encourage our readers to always tell those they love that they love them... unless you're a creepster stalking a married person who has already made it clear that they are not interested- come on, give it up.  None the less, in the world of Romantic Comedies there are seldom buses about to explode if they go to slow, villains running off to potential escape, etc... therefore they have to muster up some reason that if the protagonist does not share their feelings in the last fifteen minutes then all is lost.  There's always a plane departing, a ship leaving, a marriage to the wrong person, you name it. 

Now in the real world if a person who had feelings for you waited until you were about to marry someone else, no matter how you feel about that person, you'd be miffed.  Even if for some crazy reason you're standing up at the altar about to marry McDoucher, though you don't like him, you'd still be annoyed about the timing.  Trust me, you're not getting the deposit back from the caterers, the reception hall, the dress shop, the cake shop, etc.  And can we say, Awkward?  Having someone proclaim their love to you is really a private occasion, not one to have standing at the terminal or in front of about fifty or more of your relatives/friends. 

1. RomComs Set up Unrealistic Expectations:

This goes without saying- but we'd like to elaborate on a less glaringly obvious point of the expectations.  What most people would probably think that women would be the only ones brain washed from these cutesy films.  Although it is a small segment of the population, there are men who watch romcoms whether of their own volition or because someone else wanted to.  The point is, there is a small segment of the male population that picks up these films and thinks this is what women want.  They think that by deliberately arguing with a girl they'd like to date that she'll magically become attracted to them, that if a woman winds up sleeping with them then a committed relationship will ensue, and they think that if you love a woman enough she will magically love you back.  And that, my friends, strikes terror into the core of my heart and makes me want to sleep with the lights on. 

Episode Eighteen: Enjoy the Fiendly Skies

The title of today's blog is no typo, I do mean "Fiendly" as in Fiend.  There's been a lot of controversy as of late regarding heightened security measures at America's Airports.  SNL has already done a brilliant skit on the subject.  Here at the Curve Zone we are all about making light of otherwise awkward or difficult situations.  Therefore I have compiled a list of things to say/sing while being strip searched that will make your unfortunate TSA agent as uncomfortable as you.  Note, songs will be linked with a You Tube video when applicable, I do not own the rights to this content- owners may request the removal of links if need be. 

Ways to Make Light of Full Cavity Searches:

1. Hum/Sing the Air Supply Ballad “Now there’s two less lonely people in the world.” Two Less Lonely People- Air Supply
2. “You are at least going to buy me breakfast right?  Cinnabon is just a few terminals away, no excuses.” 
3. “You swallow one little penny…if you find any loose change up there, it’s all yours chief.” 
4. “hmm, can you move a little to the right?”  pause “oooooooohhhh yeahhhhh”
5. (For Men being Searched by Other Men) “Hello sweetie.” 
6. (For Women) If you like you can do a pap smear while you’re at it, just mail me the results, ok?
7. (For Women) Can you check for lumps while you’re at it? 
8. “Hmm, shouldn’t have had taco bell for lunch… my bad…” 
9. (If TSA agent is attractive) “You know, in some parts of the world this would be a binding contract of marriage”
10. “Just as long as you respect me in the morning.” 
11. “Hey do you want to friend me on Facebook?”
12. (Warning, may be too creepy) “Hey, do you want to add me on My Space?”
13. “Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?” Black Eyed Peas my Humps
14. “People, people who need people…”  People from Funny Girl
15. “Touch me, it’s so easy to leave me, all alone with the memory!” Memory from Cats
16. “You know, my wife/husband never touches me like that anymore…”
17. “Hey, since you’re already there, I need to take this pill, I have it and my prescription, can you just shove it on up while you’re in the neighborhood?”
18. “Ah yes, it has been three thousand miles hasn’t it?  The downside for frequent fliers.”
19. “Barney is a Dinosaur….” “Oh I’m sorry, you want me to stop?  It’s just this is bringing back soooo many childhood memories.” 
20. “You know I don’t normally go along with this sort of thing on the first date, but I could tell there was something special about you… err… what is your name again?”
21. “I don’t want anyone else, when I think about you I touch myself.” I touch Myself
22. “You’ve got the touch, you’ve got the power.” Transformers Song
23. “Can’t touch this…” then yelp, “Oh god… MC Hammer lied… he lied…” 
24. Grin, just grin throughout the entire search, then thank the TSA agent with a coy wink at the end. 
25. “What’s the safe word?” 

 Just remember friends to put some ice on it afterward.  Good luck holiday travelers and God Speed. 

Episode Seventeen: Coordinating

Today's topic is really slapped on to give this post the illusion of direction, and a title.  Truth be told the last few weeks have been part events, part laziness, and part muddling about.  I submersed myself in wedding stuff.  Though the projected date of nuptials isn't for over a year, I've been pricing things to find out the plausibility of everything.  I have discovered that my former belief that anything and everything can be googled and you will receive maximum answers, is false.  Wedding venues, in particular, are not all listed as such- especially if said location is normally used for a purpose other than weddings/receptions. 

The wedding issue is a prime example of today's topic: Coordinating.  Weddings are all about coordinating, and when you're dealing with an interracial and interfaith wedding the challenges increase exponentially.  If you don't believe me, go to a store that sells cake toppers and try to find a cake with an Asian Groom standing next to a White bride.  When you have a limited budget as a young couple it becomes a game of coordinating costs with desires.  If you hate algebra then planning a wedding is not for you.  "If we get x venue then we will have to rent Y and Z equipment- if we get Q venue then we do not need Z equipment but we need 2Y equipment..." 

Aside from wedding planning I have been having some luck in the writing department.  I am a few chapters away from completion of my novel.  Then the real fun begins: editing.  Thus I am coordinating the end of my book, trying to ensure there are few-to-no loose ends left dangling about.  As a reader if there's one thing I hate, it's loose ends.  To me loose ends in a story are a lot like a piece of string hanging from a shirt. 

Usually I see this happen with secondary characters and plots- I suppose writers/creators feel that these stories aren't as interesting as the main plot/characters.  I, for one have read books or watched television programs for the secondary characters and not the primary. 

As a result I'm finding myself struggling as a writer to think of any conceivable loose end I may have left in my book that will not be covered in sequel or side story.  I believe that the end of a book is always the best place to tackle the unresolved questions/issues.  Perhaps it's because that regardless of whether the ending was happy or not, people like closure.  Endings that satisfy involve closing all the windows left open, save for those that are alluding to the next story.  If you will, it's always a good idea to shut off the lights when leaving the house, writing is no different. 

So yes I've rambled.  Lunchtime is closing so I must scurry off back to work.  Thanks for reading. 

Episode Sixteen: Honesty Dear Readers.

Good day beloved readers,

Today I am going to brave the first poll of the blog- momentous, is it not?  The question of the poll is not an unusual one- in fact it's rather cliche.  The question is what would you do with a billion dollars.  However- the answers are broken down to a few basic elements- and it's up to you to select your choice in the poll. 

Will you use a Billion for:

Philanthropy

LOLZ!

Revenge

Investment

or

Luxury

:D

Feel free to leave comments elaborating on what you'd do- but keep in mind that things commented on this blog are not private.  Any elaborate revenge schemes posted here could and may be used as evidence in a court of law. 

Episode Fifteen: Prelude to a Move

Blogging, and everything else for that matter, has been slow the last few weeks.  My fiance and I have been preparing to move into a new apartment.  You, gentle reader, can probably relate to the... joys of lifting furniture, finding affordable truck rentals, arranging utilities, paying deposits and fees, and the multitude of odds and ends to be tidied up. 

Today's post is open ended, feel free to comment with your moving tips, stories, and ideas. 

I'd love to hear some suggestions on the following:

-Pest control, our new apartment has a tree line so my fiance and I will have to rodent-proof our humble dwelling.  What has worked/not worked for you?  I know this is a sticky subject for animal lovers- and if you know if a way to keep rodents/bugs out of a home without causing harm to them I'd love to know. 

-Saving your back during a move, lifting tips, pacing tips, etc

-Tips on checking for damages.  No matter how many times I move into an apartment, it seems I always, always overlook a damage despite combing said apartment.  I plan to clean the apartment the day before move in so I can catch any damages and also to ensure the bathroom, kitchen, etc are clean. 

-Affordable places to find small furniture (i.e. bookshelves, end tables).  I'm going to look on Craig's list and garage sales.  I've already scoped out Goodwill but the prices were surprisingly high.  Big Lots may also help a lot. 

Episode Fourteen: F.A.T. a PSA

Inspiration for this post, an article in Yahoo! Shine:
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/3-strikes-against-curvy-women-2396311/


According to a recent article (linked above) in Yahoo! plus-sized women on average make less than their slender counterparts.  Here in the Curve Zone, we embrace the voluptuous figure and a hearty appetite.  Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" is our anthem.  So we'd like to take a moment to send our salute to the hard working women of the world.

"Plus Sized" ladies of the world we would like to call you F.A.T.  That's right, F.A.T.- Fabulous And Talented.

So please, put down those amphetamine laced diet pills, pick up your forks, and be proud.  For anyone who has ever had to shop for pantyhose and found they did not carry a size for your frame, we salute you.  For anyone who has had a bosom too ample to be properly supported by the average bra- we believe in supporting our ta tas ladies and will rally behind you in the quest for the holy grail of D (or larger) Cups.  If you've been stuck at the gym on the elliptical runner next to a size 2, we feel your pain.   

Raise your cheese laden nachos high ladies and repeat after me.

Nacho Angel, my first image edit. 

-My intelligence, productivity, and work ethic are not determined by my weight

-I will not give in to the temptation to stop exercising out of shame of my body

- I will threaten to eat anyone who dares to pay me less than I deserve

-I actually have not intent to eat anyone, that's just gross...

-None the less, I will make them fear the F.A.T. chick, fear I say!

- Diet Cokes and Chimichangas are a ridiculous pairing

-While nutritious food is always a good idea, the act of eating is in no way deviant, immoral, or unnatural.  Eating is a natural thing.

-I do not envy Kate Moss's figure because she looks like a forlorn coat-hanger 

- I will continue to work my hardest and each day I will wake up and embrace my curves

-I am a F.A.T. woman, and I am proud.

The curve zone would also like to salute our skinny sisters.  We apologize for every time you go on a diet and we eat cookies in front of you out of spite.  Sorry.

Episode Thirteen: The Staggering Reality of "Michael Bay"

Director Michael Bay's avid love of car explosions has led to his name being a Synonym for everything that is grandiose and explosive in the land of action movies.  This is the first in what I hope to be a series of posts devoted to various genres of movies and how they would mesh up with reality.  No worries- I will be poking fun at RomComs (Romantic Comedies for our male readers) sometime soon. 

As though we needed it stated, here goes, a list of things that would impact reality/points to think about judging from the universe of action flicks.

6.  Innocent Bystanders would be killed senselessly on a regular basis:
In an action movie often a hero will go through great lengths to prevent the loss of human life... unfortunately this seems to pertain mostly to loved ones of the protagonist.  In a movie where a hijacker must be stopped from killing 30 innocent people we find that policemen, firefighters, innocent commuters at the wrong place at the wrong time, etc all are seemingly expendable in the eyes of the camera.

John was just commuting home from work when a truck veered head-first into his lane.  Michael Bay explosion later, do you really think that poor guy in a Camry made it out of the fiery inferno in-tact?  Nope.  Living in the Action Movie universe you're more likely to be the unseen motorist of an exploding vehicle than the suave loose-cannon cop.

5.  All women are Hot:
Congratulations to all heterosexual men out there- this universe rewards you greatly.  Ladies... it's not fun.  Now there are normal weight and appearance women in these movies... they're usually the expendable hostages noted in number 6... ick.  Here in the Curve Zone we like our women, well, reasonable.  No offense Maggie Q- you're gorgeous but some of us like eating. 

4. Law is negligible: 
The protagonist in an action flick is not going to bother with frivolities such as obtaining a search warrant, interrogating witnesses without resorting to physical punishment, or avoiding massive destruction of property.  In a Michael Bay Universe you can count on the following.  A cop may kick down your door at any moment, you may be apprehended as a witness, be bludgeoned into a stupor as they ask you where the weapons are, and then come home to find that your house has been demolished by a derailed train.  As rockin' as the vigilantes of Action Movies are, I think I prefer my relatively law-abiding local police force... I mean they'll never go Jack Bauer on me.  I've had a speeding ticket, and I am thankful I was not beaten to a pulp whilst a renegade cop shouted at me "HOW FAST WERE YOU GOING???  I'M ONLY GOING TO ASK ONCE!"

3. Cronies Defy Logic:
It's not that cronies may have that creepy indestructible quality, though that is unnerving, it's that they do so at a Crony pay rate.  Cronies in action flicks are thrown into walls, out of windows, knocked unconscious, kicked, punched, stabbed, shot, and otherwise abused beyond recognition.  Hold up!  These are just guys trying to earn a living!  Do you think they really care about who's going to win?  I mean, I wouldn't want to be kicked in the head by Chuck Norris if Norris disagreed with my boss!

What is staggering is why cronies in action movies KEEP coming back to fight the hero.  There is always at least one or two cronies who really ought to be in a hospital but keep chasing after the protagonist.  Why?  Just once I'd love to see a crony in an action flick throw up his or her hands and say "Screw it!  My crappy minimum wage job is not worth this!  I don't even get dental!"

2. Monogamy... never heard of it...
Bruce Wayne, Indiana Jones, James Bond, etc... monogamy is not their forte.  These gents can hardly get a second date to save their lives, let alone make it to the altar.  There is a notable exception: Rick and Evie from the Mummy Series, but as the most recent flick proves, that's because anyone but Rachel Weisz as the female lead would be all wrong.  In the action movie universe anyone who makes protagonist status must be prepared for a series of failed relationships.  Even worse- your past relationship is almost never mentioned, as though it never happened O_O

1. Flammable 
The most obvious feature of the action universe is the explosive nature of everything touched.  No explanation needed.  However, I fear that living in that universe so much as sitting on my couch will lead to my fiery doom.  KABOOM!  >.<

-------

And as mentioned in a previous post, I will explain the picture of the truck facing head-on.
I actually did not evade a semi-truck running head first toward me.  In fact it was a tow truck towing the tractor of a semi... but it was facing my vehicle and I saw a moment for the best photo ever.  Sorta boring isn't it? 

Episode Twelves: P-Hotos and a Disturbed Jim Croce

Dear Readers,

Yes, doesn't that greeting give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside?  It's all fourth wall breakage and what not.  I'd write "Dear Journal" but A. this is not a journal, it's far less autobiographical in intent and B. that phrase would feel like quasi-plagiarism as it is a direct reference to an awesome animated series from the 90s known as "Doug" (the Nickelodean version, not the Disney version). 

</tangent>

When it comes to the images in my blog I prefer to use my own, whether I have done extensive edits, drawn the content, or take the photograph.  I have yet to sue myself for copy right infringement.

After a long dry spell of non-upload I have a few new additions taken with my phone to share. 

Beyond the Grave Jim Croce released a new Album...chilling and dark.

I'd say one of the gems from my excursion was stumbling on a Jim Croce CD that was poorly sorted at Walmart.  I may try submitting it to failblog.  I loved this photo because I am a fan of Jim Croce's music- I enjoy his lyrics which tell complete stories in an entire song.  I thought his expression fit the "Disturbed" label quite well.  And of course he's disturbed, his CD is only $5! 

Look closely at this photo.  Yup, it's a moment in Michael Bay's world.  I think I shall devote an entire post, coming very soon, to this photo alone.  It says everything.  How I took it and lived to tell the tale?  I'll reveal that in another post.  Read on dear readers, read on!

About a month ago my fiance and I decided to color some pretty pictures one night.  This is his.  I however... err...

I sort of went overboard.  I have been known to have bouts of perfectionism.  I believe this coloring is a prime example of how I can become obsessive over an artistic project. 

The cat in the coloring book was inspired by my mom's cat...

In addition to being adorable Carter is also a few standard deviations above the mean in terms of intelligence.  He can open doors with lever handles (Yes, like a Raptor from Jurassic Park!), and he learned which button on Mom's copier/printer made paper shoot out. 

Well I have tons of other photos but I believe I shall pace myself so I'll have plenty of new content to come!

Episode Eleven: My Eternal Lack of Tact

To anyone who may be reviewing the time stamp on my blog and knows my work schedule, this is my lunch break and I'm on my own computer (in order to complete one of my reports I have to bring in my own lap top because our work computers are too slow- an hour long report can take up to three hours on the work computers). 

So this evening I found myself on the phone with my father.  While on the phone I decided to brave a topic of conversation previously neglected.  As mentioned in the first post (The Conspiracy, read it if you haven't already)- I am engaged.  On the phone I decided that while no date has been set maybe it was time to tell dad I wasn't going to have him walk me down the aisle...

Bit of an inside joke- but I needed to make an image we could all use.

Dad was upset, which I was anticipating, but I had not anticipated how bad it would be.  I had explained to him that I wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle.  My parents are divorced and I was raised solely by my mom since then.  I tried to stress to my dad that it was no slight against him, but that Mom had sacrificed so much for me, always been there, that it only seemed right for her to be the one to walk me down the aisle when I get married.  Plan backfired.  Dad, naturally hurt, and got defensive.  Unfortunately for Dad it is completely one sided on the parent front. Both parents had the same opportunity, but it was Mom who always made the sacrifices and the efforts to look after my brothers and I. 

Sometimes I guess there is no way to be tactful.  I speculate whether telling Dad sooner than later was for the better or not.  Truth be told though, the symbolic giving away of the bride can be construed as a sexist tradition or something more valuable.  On one hand it could be viewed as the woman being treated like property- Father to Husband.  On the other hand it may symbolize how our parents won't be with us forever and therefore if we choose to get married it is their time to "give us away"- handing over the responsibility and trusting in the spouse to take the lead.  Sure, in a perfect world I suppose that would entail the groom being given away as well, but the point is that while tradition does state the father of the bride gives her away, it makes the most sense for the person (aside from the groom) who has given the bride the most love and support to give her away. 

Episode Ten: Procrastination

I would like to preface this blog with a strong emphasis on the fact that I am, honestly, a very industrious person.  I believe firmly in the philosophy of work hard and play harder- which means that I will push myself to accomplish a lot in order to feel entitled to relaxation.  None the less I have acquired the habit of procrastination.  Usually I procrastinate on things which I don't quite understand.  When it came to homework as a kid I would gladly do my math homework first- it was self-explanatory back in the days of algebra and I could finish it relatively quickly.  I always put off things such as essays and projects- I seldom had access to a library and I assumed that asking my parents for help on what to do would be synonymous with cheating. 

When I know what I need to do I am able to walk into the fire and do what I must.  Ambiguity is another story.  This is not to say that I hate ambiguity in general- in fact I prefer life presented as a series open-ended possibilities.  I have a hard time defining the steps of a task that is ambiguous- it's hard to evaluate progress.  This is one of the reasons I fell away from writing.  Finishing a piece in the terms of beginning to end is concrete, but editing is an organic process that lacks a definitive end point. 

Job hunting has become a matter of procrastination for me.  As I stand right now the only way I can pay my student loans back is get a better-paying job or take on a second job.  It's more than the money though- I thoroughly desire a career.  My issue is that I'm not really sure where to look.  I feel as though no companies are wanting to risk it with entry level positions- everyone is wanting experience. 

I feel as though myself and my generation have been denied a chance to prove ourselves.  Few of my friends have careers even though the majority of us have college degrees and have dedicated ourselves to companies and industries.  Mobility in the career world does not exist for the 23-29 crowd.  We entered the job market during the recession.  Now we are weighed down by our educational debt with none of the job prospects we had envisioned during our college years. 

College has become, somehow, a symbol of procrastination.  Education has been devalued to the point in which certain employers regard it as a way of avoiding life.  Perhaps to some extent they are right.  Yet, if we were to bridge the disconnect between theories we learn in college and practical applications we learn in the work force then we could fashion a more efficient and knowledgeable work force. 

In the meantime I believe I (this one time) speak for my generation in saying that I am here, and I am ready.  I have the skills, the drive, the integrity, and the flexibility to be an invaluable asset to a company- but I need someone to open the door and let me in.  I need a chance to prove myself.  Do not waste my education and my capabilities.  Do not speak to me of inexperience- my generation walks older generations through software programs on a daily basis- I explain to people twice my age how to utilize resources at their disposal several times a week.  We have taken our turn in showing you the way, now its your turn to show us the way. 

Wisdom is to be shared.  Wisdom that is not shared is not wisdom, merely gloating. 

Episode Nine: Enter the Logo.

Hello Readers.

If that greeting hasn't scared you away then... uhh... thanks for sticking around.  Today I explain the choice of name for the blog and unveil Logo 1.0

It's MS Paint-tastic!

So what does the Curve Zone stand for?

-The Curve Zone stands for curves, as in the kind women folk like the author of this blog have.  I'm a curvy person- and so this zone is, well, curvy friendly. 

Ewww You're Fat!

-Yup.

Seriously, YOU'RE FAT!

-Observant. 

When is the next post?

-I'm honestly debating whether I should include more photos and graphics in the next post or just focus on the writing aspect.  Feedback in the comments would be greatly appreciated.  What would people like to see? 

Episode Eight: Odds, Ends, Philosophies

I will elaborate at a future time on the Ohio trip.  I wish to upload photos and get some sleep in me before then. 

I am still having way too much fun with photo editor

The trip in:

-Surprisingly pretty, fall colors were sporting Mother Nature's run-way fashions of the season.  I dig it- very chic. 

-My first impression of the City of Indianapolis was very poor because the highway was closed down at 70 on my drive in, according to the man who gave me directions to get OUT of Indianapolis, because they were planting flowers... at 4pm...on a Thursday.  Yeah...

The Wedding:

-Was an amazing blend of beauty, simplicity, sincerity, and wonderful setting.  Congrats!

-Olive Garden catered, perfect.  And yes, this is shameless promotion, because if shamelessly plugging the Olive Garden could result in free food... well I will be happy to detail how much I love the breadsticks and the salad.  Now I'm hungry.

Philosophies. 

  After pulling seven hours on a road and catching a quick nap I had to work last night.  My co-worker was discussing a client who was always complaining and discussed a philosophy he has, which mirrors one of my own philosophies.  His philosophy is that if you look for good things you will always find good things. 

If you look for things that are wrong...

Carter the Cat Hates Red Bull!

 

 

 Well, you get the picture, you're going to spend your life pretty dissatisfied. 

Truth be told the lives of customer service personnel were best summed up in Kevin Smith's "Clerks".  I would like to add a few archetypes of customers from my own line of work to the mix:

-The Il-literati: A word I shall make up to coin a special breed of "illiterate" customers.  Big bold lettered signs at eye level that read "DO NOT ENTER", "STAFF ONLY", "NO SMOKING", etc do not exist for this group.  When you must explain to the illiterati that what they are doing is against property rules they act baffled and then reprimand you for not warning them.  Alas, who knew so many were illiterate? 

-The Manipulator:

Unlike this Dog Most Manipulators aren't Cute.

The manipulator is the customer that thinks they're more convincing than they are.  I'm a female staff member- but it seems that female customers will occasionally try to use the same voice they use to ploy male staff.  Saying "Pretty Please" all fore-lorn-like may work if you're under the age of 10- but if you're in your thirties give it up! 

-The Taker of the Business to the Land of Elsewhere:
The most ridiculous thing you can do to an irked customer service worker is to threaten to take your business elsewhere.  Seeing as we make the same amount of money whether the terror customer is there or not... the choice is obvious.  In fact, I had a woman threaten me with that very line last night after I had mentioned in passing that her group was being rather loud..  My reaction was essentially "alright"- neither flippant not repentant. 

Yeah- I'm heart broken that a guest that probably cost us other, more lucrative, customers through her noise levels is threatening not to come back. 

And that, was my happy moment for the day: what if the lady did not come back :D  

Episode Seven: On the Road Again

As previously mentioned I am making a trip out of state for a friend's wedding.  I am looking forward to seeing old friends again but absolutely dreading the length of the drive each way.  One may ponder what beauties may grace me through my leisurely drive...

Once again, Photo Editor is Amazing.  This is an old cell phone photo I took.

Unfortunately I'll be driving through Illinois and Indiana- so I'm a bit skeptical on what will be in the way of scenery.

For me I love the feeling of freedom instilled in me when I cruise along the highway.  It's a little like having wings and taking to the air.  Ahead there is only possibility and escape from the routine of my life.  Granted- seven hours may be a bit excessive, I'm not looking forward to this aspect of my trip.

 I once had a Theater History professor, a very knowledgeable woman and a fantastic orator, discuss the concept of breaking routine.  Maybe this is the allure behind Ferris Bueller's Day Off- we are drawn into the question of what would we do if we could just be free from our routine for a day.

Routine is not without its merits, on some level humans need a level of auto-pilot to function.  Routines allow us to do things quickly, orderly, and without much thought.  However, when we break the routine we awake from the spell of automation and suddenly sense the world around us, vivid, interactive, and alive.

My challenge of the day to you, dear readers, is that you break your routine somehow- be allowed to take a detour from the daily drudgery.  Let me know if you have any interesting outcomes: amandamercutio@gmail.com

Episode Six: How to Barter- if a Chinese Vendor isn't dragging you by the arm, you're doing it wrong!

I had a unique opportunity a few months ago to visit Beijing and Tianjin, China for a class.  At the time I was filled with a thousand stories, sights, and adventures.  However, my return from the trip was marked by the death of a friend and after the initial out pour of adventures I more-or-less stopped talking about Beijing. 

Like all triggers of my memory, it all began with a tangent.  I was doing the internet hotel rate report for work and my eyes were locked on the Priceline Mascot William Shatner's ridiculous "negotiation" pose, which triggered a memory...Bartering in Beijing. 

Magically a Photo becomes a work of art...courtesy of Window's Photo Editor

Bargaining in China is completely different from the rules we've adapted in the US.  Previous to this trip I had been the worst person in my MBA level Negotiation class.  According to in-class role plays I stunk like a skunk at negotiation.  That was until I walked through the crowded silk market in Beijing.  I discovered there that I am the unholy terror that plagues the vendors- the shrewdest damn harpy that ever boiled up from the bowels of America. 

Ok, so I wasn't -that-, good, but it should be noted that I went from being the WORST negotiator in mock sessions to out pricing all of my classmates in Beijing.  I felt a hint of Schadenfreude as my classmate boasted a 200 RMB deal on a silk scarf, which I had purchased for 20 RMB. 

I'm not a Communist- I just thought the Mao Pins to Be Really Novel. 

So how did I do it?

Well, the Chinese street vendors have a very different set of rules when it comes to bargaining than Americans.  Also, keep the mentality that everything in the markets is a very lovely fake.  Many Americans forget the things that make them gullible marks when shopping in China.  Keep in mind that Chinese vendors are very conscientious of the clothing you are wearing and your body language.  The true game of bartering in Beijing is not about the words you use- many vendors may have limited English- the way to play the game is all about non-verbal. 

I had one unfair advantage over the classmates I was traveling with.  I was, in short, poorer than my peers.  I was dressed in Walmart duds with a pair of sneakers that had seen better days.  If you should ever have the good fortune to go to Beijing put on your grungiest clothing.  Whipping out an iPhone is, in case you are dense, also a bad way to go about.   

The biggest asset to bartering in Beijing is being able to walk away from any, and I mean, ANY potential purchase.  This is where this blog gets interesting.  The vendors in the silk market have some of the most ridiculous ploys and lines to try to win you to a horrid deal- and everyone knows they are bad lines.  Always the first offer was started with "Normally 500, but for you 250 RMB, very good deal!"  Then there was the flattery- my male classmates received plenty of "you are a very good looking man!".  I even received the famous line used car salesmen everywhere adore "Please Lady, my boss is watching me, she's going to get mad at me if I don't make this sale!" 

The real sight is watching yours truly walking through the market with a vendor- literally- hanging off of my arm.  Huge warning- if you are adverse to strangers touching you then you should avoid the Silk Market- Vendors grab.  By the end of the trip I was somewhat forlorn that I did not have Vendor-weight on my arm.  It was like having your own special friend who was shouting out increasingly lower prices as you walked.  -Sigh-

The bottom line to bartering in Beijing is really apathy.  The more you present that you could care less about the merchandise and the price, the better the deals become.

Note, however that while this blog is a decent source of tips on bartering abroad, it is NOT to be construed as the way to negotiate certain deals in the US.  Which brings us to the origin of my tangent...  Mr. Shatner.   

My profession (await big reveal...) is as a Hotel Clerk, not necessarily appealing to most until you realize that my particular position is actually a Quasi-Accountant of sorts. No matter what Priceline and spokesman William Shatner may lead you to believe- tough love negotiations seldom lead to cheaper hotel rooms.  In reality most hotel clerks do not earn any commission or other incentive for sales.  We are required to quote the highest price first... however we're not going to haggle tooth and nail.  Kindly ask for the lowest rate the clerk can give you that night.  If you walk out the door- well I guarantee you that I for one will not be clinging to your arm shouting out lower rates... sorry.  

Episode Five: Superheroes, Tights and Capes Aren't Easy

 (Forgive the surge of posts, I making more before I get busy with work this weekend). 

Like most every red-blooded woman working in a customer service related industry there are several days where I feel
like somehow I'm required to be Superman as part of my job.  As part of my job I have to make the impossible possible and somehow appease the most unusual of requests from magically solving the problem of the inconvenient road construction to people wanting me to call their cell phone companies for them.  As a result I begin to entertain the advantages of heat vision, flying, or super strength.  What results is a deep appreciation of how demanding being a super hero would be...

1. The Costume:  I'm the kind of woman who hates pantyhose.  Now imagine running around and fighting crime in, you got it- tights you procured from the tiny plastic egg at Walmart.  Then there is the fact that male or female most super hero suits (at least if you're in the realm of Marvel or DC) is VERY form fitting.  Are you ready for an entire metropolis to see the exact shape of your buttocks?  As for the Ladies, when it isn't skin tight- it's not even there.  Do you feel a breeze?  I feel a breeze.  Secretly I suspect five out of every six super heroes sneaks to adjust the thermostat mid battle against injustice.

2. The Lack of Personal Boundaries:  

This comic I drew about a year ago is silly, but it's true.  If you hate the sound of your cell ringing when you're in the shower or trying to watch TV, imagine the Bat Signal.  You can't exactly say "I'm sorry Citizens, but it was the Season Finale of Dancing with the Stars and well...  you didn't really need that preschool, right?"  This could also explain the mystery of why the average super hero/James Bond/Indiana Jones/Adventurer cannot hold down a long term relationship.  All you want to do is snuggle up on the couch with your sweetie- but if the world needs saving... well...

3.  No One You Love Would EVER Be Safe: 

Even if you're not a comic book aficionado you are probably aware that the arch nemesis will always, always kidnap the person most important to you at some point in time.  It may be your sweet, elderly Aunt or the girl/boy you've been crushing on since the dawn of time- but none-the-less, people you care about will by necessity be in mortal peril approximately every other Tuesday.

4. Arch (Friend)Nemesis:

As an ordinary person I can sleep well at night knowing I lack an arch nemesis.  Enter the world of the super hero.  Not only will you have an arch nemesis- but your best friend will be one of the primary candidates to become said nemesis.

5. Monologue-ing from Said Nemesis:

If you struggle to stay awake in class/a staff meeting, this life is not for you.  Even worse, few villains bother with a Powerpoint presentation to break the monotony of the monologue.  Just food for thought.

And the Winner Is:

6.  Expectations:  If you can fly and shoot lasers out of your eyes the expectations are that much higher.  As an ordinary human being when life is dishing it out at least you can fling your hands in the air and cry out "What do you want from me?  I'm not Superman!"  Unfortunately for Clark Kent... well... maybe this is the reason for all those Superhero alter-egos?

Episode Four: Double Post Day... What Does It Mean?

Today's post (well, second post...) is about you, the readers, and me, the writer. 

I would love to get emails or comments.  The content on this blog will vary greatly from humor, serious pieces, comics, etc.  I am open minded even to things such as product reviews and advice column moments.  However, as readers you should be open minded that I may write such responses in a humorous format.  Product reviews will seldom be serious unless I rather like the product and some philanthropic company wishes to reward my stunning review with a truckload of their merchandise.  So that being said I adore Sketchers Shoes and Lee Jeans- companies you may obligingly deliver truckload of said goods at my house tomorrow.  Thank you. 

Episode Three: The Torrid Love Affair

So what IS this blog about?  Since the start of the Curve Zone I've been trying to articulate what this blog is about.  The challenge of expressing what this blog is about is that the blog's origin is very personal, but my intent is for the blog to be more universal in nature.  I wish for this blog to be one people can read and relate to; eventually I wish this blog to become semi-interactive. 

The Curve Zone, for lack of a better explanation, is about one woman's (mine) rekindled love affair with writing.  It is my chance to take the keyboard for a spin and see where it leads. 

When I was young I wanted to be a writer.  Essentially I had a fascination with stories and therefore I wanted to translate the stories in my head onto the page.  The apex of my writing was closely linked to the demise of said writing.  In high school I had a small circle of very artistic friends: writers, artists, musicians, and dreamers.  My friends would read my poems and short stories in the mornings before class.  We exchanged our pages and feasted on the thrill of our creative spark.  High School was also the time in which I lost the confidence to be a writer. 

My English teachers were not flesh eating monsters worthy of Hollywood sensationalism by any means.  The problem was, I received grades and red ink instead of feedback in which I could foster the evolution of my writing.  The main goal of essays at my High School was the presentation of proper MLA formatting.  Understanding when to use a semi-colon instead of a colon in citations is the death to the real purpose of writing- communication.  Writing was my first true love, my great passion of my youth.  But as the unsatisfying B's without instruction on how to temper my words flooded in my love affair turned sour. 

It was too painful to fancy any sort of career or future in writing.  There was always someone more talented than I.  Yet, writing remained the secret lover with whom I would often have chance encounters.  Passionate longing was always there in the back of my secret heart.  Longing to move an audience with my words; to transform the vivid creations of my imagination into literary works.  However, my low self esteem always tattered the delicate fibers of my love affair.  I would look back on things I had written dissatisfied and disenchanted. 

Writing quickly took reading with it in the downward spiral of hopelessness.  Reading the works of authors more talented than I was discouraging.  The benchmarks seemed insurmountable.  Paired with the drudgery of college reading assignments, for several years I read nothing for entertainment.  The less I read the less my exposure to the nuances of decent writing, to a more expansive repertoire of words.  It seemed as though my mind itself was beginning to atrophy and wither into oblivion. 

So here I am, a recent college graduate, flirting with the idea of rekindling the old romance once more.  What is the Curve Zone?  The Curve Zone is a chance for a jaded woman in her late twenties to present her life experiences, humor, thoughts, and opinions in a medium intended to be generalizable to other people. 

Episode Two: SWFSFW (Single White Female Searching For Wardrobe)

About a year ago I found myself nestled in a dingy little campus housing unit designed for Graduate Students.  Despite becoming a Quarantine for students with the H1N1 virus (forgetting the regular, healthy building tenants), it was a decent apartment.  There was a small door underneath one of the staircases, and one time I did find it unlocked.  To my dismay it did not lead to C. S. Lewis's Narnia...

Thankfully it did not lead to Detroit either- just a broom closet.

Like many I have thirsted since I was a little girl to find that magical doorway to another world- a world of adventure, magic, beauty, and heroism.  My parents owned a waterbed when I was a child which sported a large wooden frame, and at the bottom there were two doors.  I used to crawl through those doors into the space beneath the bed.  Time after time, the same hope- but to no avail.  No magical worlds.

I have searched for magic lamps, fairy godmothers, special doors, and four leaf clovers since I was able to walk.  But what is it about the magical that is so fascinating?  For those of you who are still anxiously awaiting your Hogwarts letter at the age of 35, eyed suspiciously your wedding ring for any potential Mount Doom day trips, or have written nasty letters to NIMH about their mistreatment of Nicodemus- you may be able to relate.

I suppose it is because it is so hard to derive meaning from the everyday, from the mundane.  It is not hard to see the purpose behind epic battles between good and evil.  In the worlds of fiction the fate of the world/kingdom/your friends hinges upon your ability to rise against the odds with courage and determination.  In the office your heroics beside the copy maker have gone unnoticed...

In fact, no one has sung accolades of the way you braved the perilous journey known as "commute", nor have statues been carved in your likeness for your triumph over your alarm clock.  You get up, you work, you get off, you sleep, and it begins again.

Truth be told we need to bridge the disconnect between our daily toils and the bigger picture.  In all honesty some things really are pointless.  None the less, this world is what we make of it.  So there are a few less centaurs and dragons than could be... but we are the masters of our fate whether we choose to pursue it or not.  Maybe we won't be dueling a Hydra anytime soon, but our greatest prison is our dependence on the familiar, on the reliable.  Risk is the great Genii of the Universe- it may grant you your heart's desire or it may cost you everything.

As for this single, white female searching for my wardrobe, well... I shall just be contented to curl up with a good book and a warm cup of coffee.

Episode One: The Conspiracy

It all started, like many things in my life, when I was talking my fiance into a blinded stupor.  Though I should note that during this particular conversation with him (or perhaps, at him) he was in fact still conscious.  At this time I professed my overwhelming excitement at an upcoming wedding of an old college friend.  At said event I would be seeing the girls again.  It was then that I admitted to him the long-standing female conspiracy. 

See it is imperative that I participate in a "Ladies Night" once every so often or I shall relinquish my amazing feminine powers which befuddle and thwart the male species.  There is a reason that women become refreshed after Ladies Night, why we insist on traveling to bathrooms in packs, and why we bother with the Twilight Saga.  Yes, the Twilight Saga, a guarantee to keep Estrogen levels at a maximum to ensure the communal interlinking process.

That's right, we, women of the world, have a secretive communal interlinking process in which we gain telepathic powers!  Have you ever wondered how your female friends can exchange an entire dialogue without saying a word at the dinner table while you gape on in baffled fear?  Like the Borg from Star Trek we are a collective unit known as The Femme, and our existence hinges on the periodic gathering to link up our thoughts. 

Movies such as The Notebook, City of Angels, Lakehouse, etc- they contain subliminal messages from the Great Mother who controls the hive mind of The Femme, and they help us remember what we must do to succeed in our never-ending quest to subjugate the male species.  The Great Mother will someday have the enslaved male race toiling at her chocolate farms and stitching together her designer high heels. 

So the next time you're at dinner with female companions and one says "I'll be back" and the other chimes in "I'll go to the restroom too" just remember that you are witnessing a truly sinister conspiracy at work.   

(Post is being Facetious, except the part about people liking Twilight because it is the anti-male, that's actually rather true.)