Episode Forty One: The Disney Survival Guide

You open your eyes and everything is suddenly charming.  People break into song periodically and without reason.  The laws of physics have relaxed, and although you are sober- you could have sworn a dog just talked.  Remain calm, unfortunately you are not in the Twilight Zone- everything is far too bright and chipper.  You have entered, the Disney Zone.

We live in an age where there is a Zombie Survival Guide, but what do you do if you find yourself sucked into the Mouse's Dimension?  We've got some tips to keep you safe, to keep you happy, and to avoid awkward scuffles.

Princess/Prince

You will fall into this category if you're generally the most attractive of your friends and are always dreaming big.  The more impractical you are in our world, the more fortunate you will be in the Disney Universe.  If you find yourself in this universe you will essentially be immortal.  However, avoid suspicious old ladies, people with eyebrows that peak sharply (Jafar, Scar, Ursula, Frollo), and anybody with a really excessive laugh.  If you have a Step Parent get away from them as quick as possible. 

There are no errors in judgment in the Disney Universe.  If you love some handsome stranger it will all work out in the end- don't worry.  Even if characters which died in the original stories often had a happily ever after in the Disney Version. 

Most importantly, if someone you love is critically injured and on the verge of death- CRY.  Crying has magical healing powers and also summons Fairy Godmothers.  Chop some onions until everything resolves itself.  Kisses also break 90% of all curses.   

Woodland Creature

  If you are a dog, cat, raccoon, velociraptor, squirrel, etc- you fall into this category.  Also- thank you for being part of a very narrow non-human demographic of reader!  Thanks to Disney magic you can now talk.  However your good advice will often, if not always, be ignored by a persistent hero/heroine.  How to survive: suck up to the sweet and naive- avoid the temptation to join forces with any cunning villains.

Villain

You will fall into this category if you put your career above romance, if you sometimes hurt others in your ambition, or if you're unattractive but not humorous and/or stupid enough to qualify as "comic relief".

Acrophobia, or the fear of heights, is your new best friend.  When you stop and realize the sheer number of villains that died by falling off of a cliff (or struck down by other forces while on a cliff or other ledge)- Maleficent, The Queen from Snow White, Scar, Frollo, Hun Leader from Mulan, Cruella DeVil- the bottom line is just avoid high places.   Also, your uncontrolled egotism will always, always be your downfall (well, that or a cliff).  Learn to be ok with modest victories.  You don't have to be the fairest of them all- I mean, albino is soo last season.  No matter how smart you are and no matter how dumb your adversary- this universe works against you.  Keep your vices in check and try to catch the next train to Detroit. 

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